I dreamed of her, and I should've known it wouldn't be a promising beginning. Spent the day daydreaming, couldn't focus, couldn't finish anything. Tried reading, spent half of the time re-reading the sentences I had just read, and the other half staring to no particular point in sight without really seeing anything. Tried to work, was miserable, tried to write, and excluding that biting reply on a Facebook post about Blue Moons, this is actually the first thing I'm actually writing. It's ridiculous, pathetic really, but I should've known it would never be easy.
Still, it's so frustrating. I lost my daily steps streak, my daily writing streak, my meditation streak, and I'm just so tired of losing. The only thing I did today was my Duolingo lessons, and even that was lacking because I completely only one daily quest before I lost all my hearts. And I bet if I was in a better state of mind I could find a metaphor in this somewhere, but now I'm empty. And well, there's no need of a metaphor for this — at all. Because, darling, quite literally this was always me.
In my mindless scrolling through Tumblr, I found a Kafka's Diary quote from January 17, 1922. Only two words: "Hardly different." And I feel like this is a game I play, one step forward, two back, and maybe if life's a circle there's not even a difference.