Today was such a long day. I don't feel I have the strength required to analyze my thoughts, let alone write coherently about them. And isn't this unfair? To be so completely drained I can't even do something I like? I could say it was a day well spent, I did tackle a lot of workload I had set to myself, but I can't help but feel like I'm still failing. I can't help but count the pile of goals left undone. It's so hard to fight someone in their beliefs, harder still when this someone is yourself. I know change is slow but sometimes I just get tired of waiting. I guess, in the end, I'm just tired of trying.
It's exhausting to have this type of mentality, I had a fairly good day, but I still feel like crying. It feels incredibly difficult to even articulate whatever it is that has got me up in knots, and for me this type of days, when I don't seem to have a clear reason to still be sad, are almost worse. I know it's just a matter of searching and understanding (I've done enough therapy to know all the shortcuts), but it still makes me feel a little entitled, like I'm chosing to be depressed, like I'm inside a SYML song with sad boy vibes, like I was born to be sad and maybe it's my nature. Inescapable. Unavoidable.
It feels like part of me perversely enjoys it. And it scares me so much to be trapped, that even though I know the truth, it's not enough. The worse part of me will always believe the lies.
No, and it doesn't help, my cellphone notifying I should've been in bed two hours ago.