Dear JK,
It's been 20 years, 20 years since my brother died. I forgot his death anniversary which was today. I saw my mom's messages and that's when I realised that today is his death anniversary. I don't miss him bcoz I never saw him but I still wonder every single day that what my life would be like if he was still here, would it be better? Or would it be even worse. I wonder if he would be like everyone else who would see me as a thing or a robot, would he see me as a human? I wonder if he also wouldn't care about my feelings and my dreams like everyone else, like you or would he actually acknowledge me? I wonder if having an elder brother would be the solution of my problems. Probably not.
But I still wish that he was alive not because I miss him or something but bcoz then I wouldn't have to be a part of this world, I wouldn't have to be alive. I don't even remember how many times mom has said that if he was alive she wouldn't have me or my sister. She always wanted a single child but when her first child died they thought to have two this time, just in case another dies they would still have one left. And guess what I am the backup child. The one they had for "just in case".
I know they treat us equally but sometimes I couldn't help but feel like a backup.
Yet again you are so lucky you never felt that way. You were always too good to be called the backup child. You are and have always been the main character, the one with all the spotlights.
I wonder how you always get so lucky JK?
–YJ