Rick, come and find me. I think every f*ing thing is complicated around me. I think no one ever gonna love me. I'm certain about that. Coz I'm just an additional pain to them.
Here again with my toxic family. I got a toxic younger brother who triggers me everytime. I try to be in a silent mode. But once again he get on my nerves. We got into a fight. father was in the phone in the next room. He came suddenly and hit both of us. He doesn't even have that patience to ask what's wrong, who's wrong. He just kicked me and beaten me with slippers. I never felt pain coz I got those beat from my childhood onwards. Mom didn't stop him. And he left. Brother stopped crying and just went normal coz he only started the fight and was wrong. What abt me?? Am I a fool? Dad left. Mom was sitting outside near stairs. Brother just went to complain abt me and Frame me that I'm the wrong person.
You know how I felt? Like a bulls..t. my anger went up. I know what I'll do if my let my anger out. So I just keep on shut downing myself. Tears came from my eyes but I don't want that. It's just my body reaction to that pain. But my heart felt the rage rather than pain. I went crazy. I cursed them continuously: "you all not going to live good" again and again and again and again and again and again. I was seeing the kitchen, I was thinking about the scene I want to do. At that moment, I want to take that knife from kitchen and cut my hand. A clean strike. Blood was pouring drop by drop by drop. And I said: "are you guys happy now??? Huh??", "are you guys happy", "tell me??"...
But I didn't do anything. It was all my thoughts. I wanted to end everything.. but I can't. It's not like I'm afraid to end my life. It's just "I don't want to. Why would I?"..
I lost the hope to live. To be alive. At the same time, I don't wanna die. Why should I? These things are kept going around my head now.
Here's a funny thing. Next day i was drinking coffee and my mom asked my ulti move a bit. And I asked why? And moved. And she said: yesterday your dad beaten you ryt. But there's this one slipper missing. I can't find that. And I laughed at it inside my head. Wow, I got a great family. It's not like there are only bad time. It's like: some good things and a lot of bad things.
Hey, Rick. Just find me soon. I didn't want lot of good things. I just want peace. So help me to take rest and be in peace:)