Dear Diary,
this is a much needed selftalk. when i step into my 30s, i will see this oneday.
i wanna have a self talk with my own about how my past 19yrs went on. i asked chatgpt to send me some points i should discuss with myself. i will mention them at the end. but firstly this space is for me.
well,
i born in 2005.
im the eldest child in my family.
i have a god gifted mom and dad. even though what happens, i really love my parents very much.No one can ever take the place they hold in my heart.
my mom and dad built up things one by one, step by step. that is the reason why we are in this places we buy whatever we want, we eat healthy foods, we get better education, we dress nicely...not only that, we have quality children-parent time in more than 3 days in a week. im really really grateful for my parents for facilitate us well with both physically and mentally.(yes we have some mental harassments sometimes but who doesnt have kind of scenarios in a family huh??)even though what happens i love my mom very muchhhhh. nobody wont able to beat our mommy- daughter relationship.(i can remember i put a diary note here about my mom when i was in a big heartbreak at once but who cares?😂i love my mom a lot)
and, when i talk about my brother, yes i really love him too.
i love my family very much. they are my strength, my power and everything. if somebody ask me about what is the most precious thing i had, i will say that is MY FAMILY. we four are a bond that nobody cant break down.
and other thing, my education.
well, this is tough. it went sooo good until 2019 but after covid 19 it messed up. but i really love the moments i had my 1st school with my teachers and friends. i love my 1st school.
and when it comes to my second school, i love it too.
i had a lot of leadership activities back then. i got to know about girls' power, how to manage anything as a girl, how to act elegantly, how to communicate with people, how to work in tough times, how to gardening, how to lead a group of ppl for a goal, how to speak front of the audience, how to organize a ceremony or whatever it is. if i say simply, that past girl who only focused on studies, made a girl who can manage both academics as well as that qualites. i can proudly say my second school made me an unstoppable and never giving up, confidential extroverted girl. i can talk with anyone in the world. respecting, managing, leading, organizing, empathy, self-confidence are the main qualities i have right now.
and for some reasons i left my school when i was 11th, means i had to go there more 2 yrs but i wanted to save my mental peace. i stopped schooling.
am still questioning my self, did i make the correct decision?
but for some reasons i think its maybe the god's plan.
that trips, fairs, group activities, functions, children's days, teachers' days, religious activities...OMG i cant.this memories make me cry.( but listen i dont cry huh)
actually this memories make me feels so old.
and the first memory i had in my 2nd school was, i forgot to bring my spoon at that day and that case.and also that canteen thing, my fav toffees, our fav history teacher, her way of dressing saree, and our civics teacher, and specially my health teacher, religion teacher, and OMG our language lab teacher, ofc PTS miss. i wish i could go back school and hug them tightly. it was 2016, they were our world. we didnt have social media to scroll. school was the best thing. and we made yummy meals in one day at a pts period. and that dancing room scene. omg at that day i cried. and specially our Chinese language teacher, i really miss them so badly. i think life is this.
and one special incident, when the principal madam came to my class, she forgot her phone, and i picked and run for her and gave her. she asked my class and name. i still remember.
and, we had a fair, a lott happened. if someone ask me what grade i love the most, probably it is grade 6.
grade 7
grade 8
those are another my favourite years, but after 2019, i was tryna hide from my class. cuz i was in a tired of doing and managing class works, means i was so active with my teachers. they always needed me to handle complex things. i thought from grd 9 i cant be a highlighted student. it was one of the silliest thing i have done.
and covid came. i lost myself. i met a group of friends who werent match with my vibe through our school class whatsp channel. i started to vibe like them. it really destroyed me. i embraced more and more crazyness to my life from them. i became a back bencher. i became a joker.
“If you hang around 4 millionaires, you’ll become the 5th. If you hang around 4 idiots, you’ll become the 5th. Choose your circle wisely.”
this is really truth.i became that 5th idiot.i didnt do anything bad with them and, they all are girls. i did only spend time with them. filled my brain with unwanted gossips, i addicted to consume social media, memes, jokes, insulting other students, making them uncomfortable, making my teachers feel uncomfortable (im a one who really respected and loved my teachers very much- but this hits so bad, and back then in 2020 our teachers were different. all of them are changing anually- i went with that frends' flow easily)
but i think i spent my time with them 2020,2021, half of 2022. finally i gave up them with my school too.yes i left my school also.
but it took me to recover from the past, half of 2022,2023, 2024.
but that time period was the era i explored how does it feel like to a backbencher, joker in a class. also cutting periods, stepping out from that leading and responsible character who i used to be, i was completely messed.
means completely 2020,2021,2022,2023,2024 wasted.
but i think i have been a person who has 2 different personalities.
right now i can understand children easily cuz that experiences. Now i know how to deal with that kind of incidents, friends and that stuff.
so i dont have any worries.now im feeling better and less regrets with those.and ofc,i know how to understand who are the real friends or not, who is there for just their advantage, who has the same vibe as me or not, how to choose people wisely.
in my past diary notes i see how much wrong i was. now i feel how i become that mature withing some years. time heals and time let realize everything.
school or the the things we are following in a order, is not about passing exams, saving time just by doing the same things, its about experiencing, trying new things (even new friendships), new failures, new traumas, new adventures, new regrets and yk. the ppl say new foods, new hobbies, new dresses, new hairstyles, new looks.
but have you ever heard someone ever said, new failure, New me?
or new trauma ,New me?
new mental breakdown, New me?
the society is weird bro! it only shows u what u should see, its not about showing what you have to see, or the truth. they filter the bitter truth and just show something else.
so i never ever be worry or regret about anything my past.
i have never done anything bad for anyone.i can promise.
i have never hurt anybody in a bad way with my heart.
as an empathetic person, i have helped a lot of ppl.sometimes i worry about i have never met someone like me who has the same qualites. i am me.
and love,
i have never been in a relationship before.i have only one male friend who i talk face to face. if i have mention about a boy in my last yr or very past diary notes, it is him.
i dont know whether love is for me or not but im waiting for mu soulmate(idk whether i believe in them or not but im waiting for that person.)
i
And if I talk about how my mentality went on, I was so childish. I used to be a really childish person. I still think I still have that quality. And I'm a very serious person. Because of that incident happened in 2020, I became a little bit of non-serious person, but I'm a very serious person at all. And I like to dig into deep in any conversation, continue anything like to the deep. I don't satisfy with a simple answer.
and here are some chatgpt Qs he ask me to think and talk.
“What have I learned about myself?”
What do I no longer tolerate?Think about your values, boundaries, emotional patterns. Ask:
“What makes me feel safe?i feel safe when im with my family. and in comfy clothes. most importantly when i believe in my self.
when im done with my class home works, when i ve revised the past day lesson before joining the class again, when i surrounded by good people i feel safe. (for now, maybe in future this will change)
What do I need to thrive?
im thriving for my imagination comes true. i ve my own imagination fancy world. wanna fulfil it.thats what im really waiting for.
i cant no longer myself to embrace laziness. i wanna work hard, smart and stay in discipline, consistency and focused.
i dont wanna make other people happy and feels them better by hiding the real me.(means i dont wanna behave in same personality with everyone, i know i wanna be humble and flexible with different ppl)
and, i dont wanna stay that old girl era who always think in another one shoe and gain another one's feelings, thoughts and pain just like a sponge. i should have to know me how to save my self first.
“What still hurts?”
theres just onething. it is my acdemic falldown in 2019.
my school life still hurts me about not attending to prefect guild, doing nothing as an extra activity in school, not focusing in a game or sport.also that i couldnt say bye to my japanese teacher at the last day of school. also i couldnt make any memory as a icon in school.
where did i shine
i was brave when i was in my beginning of teens. i love my that serious introverted plus extroverted character.teachers praised me,i lead the whole classes, grps. teachers let me to make decisions. i love my grd 8 class teacher,( science teacher) very much.
the day my grd 6 teacher praised me infront of parents incident
the day i got 100 for science and my teacher showed it to the whole class( that tuition class incident)
that my past memories with my bestie who i share my every moment with until 2019.i really miss her.
i will update other things in my next diary note.