Dear Diary,
Once again today, the heart wants to dwell in the past.
I was doing very well until i just lost the game last night in a swing.
All these days, I did not think about it at all, what happened to us, what she did, what i did. I have been very strong and ignorant actually.
It wasn't hard telling my friends that i am no longer engaged when they asked me about wedding plans. I could say it with a laugh.
But after seeing her yesterday, i lost the game. I am thinking about her, i cannot forget that she did wrong with me, that she never cared about me. But i also know that it wasn't her fault, i know that however selfish she is, it's all destiny and it's all universe's desire. It was meant to happen like this only, i am just sad, thinking, why universe did it, and why does it want me to think about it again now, now that i am already moving on a different path. Far
Anu is great, she is everything i need, yet...
I dont know why universe doesn't give me the same feelings for anyone but her.
I am now scared of circling back to her. I do not ever want to circle back to her, i know she isn't right for me, she is the cow i have been milking but i need orange juice. That's the thing that scare me about universe, it is mf unpredictable.
But i cant let that happen, i'll fight with it, i cant make my life story just about her.
It's jyoti's birthday today, she still celebrates it like a teenager =D.
Reposting every wishes and all. Actually i am probably nobody to say and ofcourse she would never listen to me, but i feel she has come very far where she has attahced herself too much with her social image. Far off from our vipassana.
Hey, bdw, she did reply to me a few days ago. She was sick, i know that although she doesnt hold great respect for me, but she knows that i understand her on some deeper level which not all the other people from her crowd do. And i think i do too.
See, i have had very good relationships, met really nice people, Anu is sooo great too, why should i be sad about one thing which didn't work.
I have great friends too, i have Dawrani.
Birthday is coming, i am a bit nervous, vaise this year has been descent with good stories(well, not all good), but i want more from myself on the betterment side, i think i still need to hit a few more runs, to be able to look at myself on 1st.
Will write to you about Anu later.
Also the Rishikesh and the delhi trip. I’ll write to you about that also.
It's a good story.
It is ok, to have these downers sometimes, i am feeling good now, i'll do great things.
Ciao
--panda--
❤️