Dear Diary,
Going to a book shop in the mall, seeing all the books, with the smell of paper, sure feels nice, feels like i am still happy, buying sunglasses also felt so uplifting, i was finally able to pick these, having money in pocket feels great too, nothing seems impossible or out of reach, but walking alone in the mall with the cup of gelato in hands, does bring me a little down, i dont have smile on face, and i have no one to talk to or share the joy with. Without someone to talk to everything feels like momentary. I have highs and then suddenly feel myself sitting on ground.
I wanted to say this time to her that she dumped me again, and this time she did very wrong with me, for her selfish reasons she again just left me without much consideration. Or maybe i did not handle the talk well, maybe it was just the time which played again with us.
I don’t have much strength or know a way to tell people that my engagement just broke, it feel so heavy just thinking about it, walking in front of homestore and thinking that i wont be buying all the things i wanted to now, wont go to a big house.
I don’t want to hold any hate against her in me, i know, from the surface it feels like she dumped me again but maybe I should look at it in the way that she atleast tried this time, and i also tried, but we humans are somehow inherently selfish ( i am also selfish), we cannot do things just to make someone else happy (we always want to do what we feel like doing).
Everyone in the mall are coming together. Looking at them i feel this void, i have tried with so many people, why I couldn’t find anyone i can be happy with yet, everyone seems so temporary and i don’t know, if i’ll ever be together, i know sometimes i am enjoying just being with me, books, cinema, science, art, its all good, i like it when i am doing these but eating alone, cooking for just myself becomes dull soon, and sometimes suddenly, in middle of it, i want to stand up and walk away.
And dont ask me about, how dark i feel Thinking about future. Holding Tears behind my eyes, i can feel the pressure it exerts.
Its dark here, And I don’t know where will the light come from this time.
I know i have to keep going, and set my story right again, i cant make it a story of a boy who spent his life stuck with a girl, I don’t want to be with her ever again now, I have to have faith in my destiny and keep moving forward, even if its dark today, there will be light…
My story could be different from all these people, but i have to discover it and keep unfolding it.
— panda —
❤️