September 03, 2023

Dear Diary

I really used to think family was my everything, no matter how much I wouldn't admit that. I thought we were different from other families, we got along, played board games together, constantly made each other laugh. But then we lost Lydia and it all turned to shit. Well, let's be fair, it was always all shit, I was just too young and distracted by my awesome and way cooler siblings that I never saw it. 

Now it's all a mess. Half of my siblings don't talk to my mom, NONE of us talk to my dad anymore. I sure did try, but I realized I've no interest in him, since he has no interest in me. My oldest sister is in Canada, my brother is in Finland, and the rest of us are spread out in France. I'm lucky enough to get along with all of them, not that I talk to many of them except for D. I'm lucky enough to be able to know all my nephews and nieces. No matter what happens, I HAVE to keep it that way, not fall out with any of them, not even my mother. 

Ugh. If I fell out with my mother I'd probably never see my brother again, and I'm not risking that. 

It's such a mess. 

I love them all very much, but all I crave is a normal family, whatever that looks like.

It's no surprise the "found family" trope gets me every time. 

I'm rambling again and talking about things that don't matter. I don't know why I write this shit, what's the point? I hope someone understands me even a little bit.

Love, C