August 23, 2023

So yeah yesterday I was like GREAT! TIME TO BE BUSY! I WONT THINK ABOUT HIM THAT MUCH!

But no. Not the script.

I feel like the struggles and the heavy feelings I have rn just doubled. And also, as soon as I got home from a long day from school, all I really wanted was to open my account and vent to him, cuz he always makes me feel better...

And then I screamed at myself,

MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER FOR HOW LONG?!?! FOR LIKE 5 MINUTES?? And then he'll leave you again to shower or to eat but you're just left there with more anxiety that he might be talking to someone else, he might be saying he's sleepy to you but he's saying he can't sleep to another girl.

One thing that just hurts me yknow, is that before he would chat me nonstop, even when he's as the hospital we would videocall and I would accompany him cuz he's a nightshift pharmacist. But he's probably doing it with a new girl now.

I also remember the part when he said they talk everyday but tried to lit up a tiny hope inside me that it's only 1 to 2 messages everyday. Like what do they talk about with that, just hi and hello??? Repeatedly?

Aya, you've been replaced. Aya, just think that he's married and has 13 kids. Aya, just go. Aya, you've been through a lot already. Aya, you can't act like your mom while loving a person who acts like your dad. Aya, did you remember when you were a kid you told yourself that you'd fix yourself first before loving and being in a relationship with someone so you won't drag them into your messy mind and so they won't have to deal with you acting like your dad or your mom? Aya, being young and having to deal with the bullcrap they put you in, you never wished someone would be in your shoes that time no matter how old they are and no matter if you love them or not.

You can do this, you stood up in class earlier and volunteered to report, you can still bring yourself back. Just hold on and please don't let another relationship mess with you. The pain is intense but you're doing a good job going on with your day.

I don't care if you have to listen to podcasts the moment you wake up, when you poop, when you eat, during free time and before you sleep. I don't care just stay on your ground like how you kept raising your hand and sticking with your answer while your classmates are telling you you're wrong about mango being biodegradable. It's a silly memory but it serves something to make your future self proud and motivated.

You didn't know about anxiety that time, you were a silent 4th grader fed up with your mom drinking with you so she can vent on you about your dad and would ask you to keep an eye close to him and see if he's meeting women. You were fed up by all your older relatives trying to bully you out of your grandma's house cuz they wanna sell everything right after she died. You were fed up but you stood on your ground. You are not the smartest, the prettiest, the richest. But you're privilege to see the privilege in small things.

You could've been a ballerina cuz you have legs that were like pushed back(you grew insecure of them). But God didn't gave you the kind of family to support that.

You were so good at roller skating at such a young age that you could have pursue ice skating.

You're very fast at memorizing choreographies but you didn't have training on being a good dancer, but you could've been.

You like going inside the closet while you make up songs to cover the noises from the outside, you could've been a singer.

You could be a cosplayer everyone says that cuz you have soft features, or a model cuz you're tall. But you're like no, I have synkinesis I cant smile on cam.

You are everything. Please know your worth.

And you might be thinking while looking at your sh scars, "i could've been dead."

Uh duh, no? You could be a survivor instead, one who continued to fight despite being sexually assaulted, recorded, blackmailed(who knows what will happento my future with that video being in someone's hands but we'll continue), having mental illness in a Christian country, having an unstable family, being in a toxic power imbalanced relationship, having an irreversible facial disability, issues at school.

Just please don't let aya down. Little you did her part, it's your turn now.