Dear Diary, I remember how I felt when I heard that they had passed away. I was destroyed. There was so much love around me, but I didn't feel it. I was numb. I couldn't reciprocate. I couldn't love back the people who were supportive and caring. I was numb,
but I shouldn't have treated them that way. They didn't deserve it.
I want to do it differently next time. If my SO leaves this world before I do, I don't want it to numb me. It will destroy me inside, the weight of decades of memories, but I don't want to deal with grieve the same way I did before. I have to do it differently. I have to continue with my plans, my ideas, my creative projects. I have to continue living my life the way I do now, until my time comes, that's what he wants and that's what I will do.
I still have the love letters we sent back and forth, 20+ years back. He doesn't know I keep them. I plan to have them buried with me when my time comes.
It's strange, knowing these things in advance. Doesn't make it easier, but it does help to prepare for it. I didn't tell anyone else about this, I know they will avoid the subject because it's morbid. That's fine, I don't have to tell them every single thing.