Dear Diary,
The part in no contact journey where your mind convinces you that you're still special to him and maybe you misunderstood and maybe you overreacted is one of the worst.
Like I gotta remember the stuff he did to me, relive those painful moments and remember those painful words just to convince myself that "NO AYA, HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT YOU. for you he is your first but for him youre just another one of the many girls he met up with."
Part of me wishes...
Omg this keyboard is messing up with my moment.
Part of me wishes that I just kept my feelings for him a secret. Like I hope I didn't said anything to him back then when we kissed. Maybe it would've been different, maybe I'd get a hold of myself whenever im jealous so he wouldn't think that im crazy.
But a part of me think that it's not my fault. I became toxic because I love him too much and he knows I do and I was just very afraid to lose him.
I still need to stop that over curiosity about the women he go out with tho. Not something to be proud of. And tenenenenen, one way to do that is cliche. But it's loving myself.
No I don't matter to him like how he matters to me. He's just not that into me and whenever I keep on telling myself that it lessens the heaviness of my heart. Maybe because it reminds me that I am okay. I am not boring cuz I talk too much in relationships and because I'm always there when he replies. I'm not uninteresting because I'm not busy most of the time for him, he's the Jerry but not the tom(he doesn't get to chase). I just simply love him and maybe another would appreciate my presence.
But for now I'll be focusing on myself. I still keep on catching myself hoping that he'd message me in another way or so, that he'd come back running and chasing me. But I gotta remind myself,
No contact journey is for me to move on, not for him to miss me.
Anyhow if you press space a bunch of times then go back to the top of the page not by backspacing but by clicking and then typing starting there, it would be much easier:]
The space down below is for demonstrating purposes.