August 11, 2023
Dear Diary,
Lately I have been waking up with a really hard heartbeat. My pulse rate is normal (60-100 bpm) but for the grading it's 4+, it's bounding and not easily obliterated with pressure. So I searched about it cuz it's already going on for weeks now, im aware of the stress I have cuz im trying to cut contact from a toxic "relationship" i have with someone and it's very hard for me since im very attached and im giving him power over my emotions.
The phrase "Even tho I have a really bad day one glance at you and it all fades away." May sound cute but it gets scary. Another person controlling your entire mood.
Im aware that he could be toxic and a future with present him wouldn't be ideal but it's just hard to let go so it's marking something big in me, cutting contact with him.
I also have a lot of issues with school since my first semester grades isn't good due to lack of social skills and it's hard making friends when im conscious about my face(I have synkinesis). But im still privileged for being called pretty even with this disability, doesnt stop me from hiding my face tho.
On the second semester I excelled pretty well, my grades are good and my instructors are proud(one reason why shifting to other course is hard for me now knowing I have potential in nursing field if only I didn't have this disability. There's no cure for synkinesis but I'm still finding ways on how to treat it. Who knows ill be the one finding the cure for it mwahahah![oh my stubborn optimism])
Im worried about being irregular and im also worried about the expenses since the course has a lot of requirements and it's very very expensive. I also have family issues even before I was born but it doesnt bother me anymore with all the problems I have in my hand.
Knowing that things will get eventually worse helps me accept stuff and find solutions for everything. Problems will keep coming my way and the bare minimum I can do for myself is to take care of me so im prepared to solve it. That's what makes me confused. My mindset is much better than it was when I was younger, I was ungrateful and asked God for a lot of things and that attracted stress. But my mindset is better now so I dunno why my physical is declining.
It's hard waking up in the morning with bounding heartbeat, nausea, your insides are shaking as if it's another world and there's an earthquake going on, youre sweaty, you've got hand tremors, and you get dizzy, confused and have a heavy breathing. And I dunno if this is part of the stress but I have been having brown discharge or spotting.
I dunno if it's mental or I have an actual infection. My surrounding's not hygienic at all, there's lots of rats and I know ewwy. But being used to an unfortunate life is a privilege for me. Sounds like I can survive a zombie apocalypse 😏(I'd prolly trip and get bitten but let's not talk about that.)
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a year ago, got into medication but abruptly stopped it since I was keeping it from my family, I ran out of money cuz I got fired from my job for being too sleepy(setraline and olanzapine made me very sleepy for some reason).
Luckily the withdrawals weren't that bad but if I had taken those for years and stopped all of a sudden I dunno what would happen to me. After stopping i went into this rollercoaster of mood, was depressed then after weeks I became impulsive and feeling so high, that's how I met the guy that im trying to cut contact now. With those weeks that I felt so high, I was very irrational, I would do some stuff on the internet with random men(one grew obsessive over me and tried to keep me by blackmailing a video of me[I wasn't myself but i am my own responsibility so it's still my fault]) until I met him and we decided to meet in real life.
I was sneaky with my parents, having daytrips with him and coming home exactly 8 pm(I was an asshole). Then I got too attached to him, depended on him, to the point that I would stalk people online or the girls he would go on dates with.(I was very unhealthy and I am still now but I wanna change so bad. Invading someone's privacy doesn't feel good.) At first I was like, wow im really good at thinking and tracking someone, not until I ended up knowing the whole family and name of one girl just by one sideview picture. Being in love with him makes me toxic as well so I have to cut him off for the better of us.
I scare myself a lot. Even tho I'm trying my best to live, im being better, it's like life isn't done challenging me, it's throwing potatoes at me until I end up running to the path that it wants me to take. Like omg, can't we have a summer break at least?
Im thinking of cutting off coffee, cuz im dependent on it and maybe that causes the heartbeat and other stuff. You see, being dependent isn't really good. I wanna say something more about this but again, it's on the tip of my tongue.
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