August , I hate it..

I hide behind music everytime when I'm being hurt. It either makes me numb to the hurt or makes me strong once again I cried my lungs out.

 I hate it when I cry while I'm lieing in bed.

I hate it when I cry while I'm hearing music through earphones.

I hate it when my tears reach my ears and wet my earphones.

I hate it when I took my earphones coz it was soaked with sadness rather than happiness.

I hate it when I take a deep breath while I'm crying coz it interrupts the music I hear. 

I hate it when my pillow becomes wet, like it was thrown into a river.

I hate to lie in my own tears.

I hate it when I see only darkness over my head. 

I hate it when I can't see the moon through the moon even though it was open.

I hate it when I can't even shout, scream and cry my lungs out.

I hate it, everytime I push my scream inside my mouth,through my lungs as I was gulping a large amount of air inside my body. 

It feels like I'm out of my breadth. And I'm out of my voice.

I hate it when I can't even sing high notes coz I don't have a long breadth inside. I lost it.

I lost my voice and I hate it.

I hate it when my hands tremble while I cry.

I hate it when i suppress myself again and again. 

I hate it when I chained myself every night in order not to move, not to make any sound, not to scream and not to be in pain.

I hate it when I hug my pillow thinking I'm in the shoulder of someone saying: I can't. I'm in pain. I can't make me numb. I failed. Pls take me home. I don't belong here. Pls hug me back.

I hate it when I can't even imagine the person's face when I hug.

I hate it when i can't even imagine that someone's there for me.

I hate it that I'm yearning to go home when I'm already in my house.

I hate it I've done all these things when I lie next to my parents at night.

I hate it when I'm not free to cry. When I'm not free to be in pain.

I hate it when I try to hide my tears,wet pillow,earphones and phone when they switch on the light sometimes.

I hate it when they think I'm the happiest person while I laugh though some things. 

I hate it when they criticize me for laughing like it was a crime.

I hate it when they want me to be in pain.

I hate it when they shout at me when I show them I'm in pain.

I hate it, when they say: how can you cry? Only the one who did wrong will cry.

I hate it when they show their little inconvenience in the form of anger to me.

I hate it when they target me for the things they can't control. 

I hate it when I try to understand them and kept quiet.

I hate it when I can't control myself even though I understand.

I'm still a child. How can they blame me.

I hate it when they act like my existence itself a burden to them. 

I hate it when they blame me when I'm silent.

I don't hate me. I hate me for the things I can't do. 

I hate it when "I want to live". 

I hate it when I don't wanna die.

I hate it when I say "I hate it" to everything I said.