July 02, 2023


Cheers to a New Mess!

Dear Diary,


I am back again. It is a busy Sunday, but I took out some time to watch any show or I don't took out time actually, I was working and along with that I want some kind of sound in the background so I started the show. So...

Otherwise I think I am failing to have a balance between everything. Today, I am alone again not in a sad way, mummy papa were here and the reason was a random meeting which was supposed to not go well. Anyways, I was relieved, so there I was that Mummy Papa has left for home, Aman is not here as he is sick, okay I haven't mentioned Aman before because the I met him, I stopped writing here so, but nothing serious, I mean there is nothing sort of...so I am all alone today, so I was thinking that I am not able to balance my life, I don't get time for myself or I am failing to take out time or I am failing in managing everything. Even from last 3-4 days work has been also affected.

There are so many guys I have to talk to but I don't feel like talking too and they all complain to my father about this and he doesn't say anything to me but I know he desperately wants me to get married.

And Idk if I am ready for it or not, I don't know even in the first place whether I want to get married or not. I guess no and Idk why.

It's not like I have someone in my life and I am behaving like this, no there is no one, I wish there was someone, life would have been easier. But I feel I am not ready for marriage or I am not meant for marriage. For right now, I am sure that I don't want anyone in my life, I don't want to let someone into my space, I think I can't share my life with anyone, I just don't know, I just feel pressurized, andar se nai aata hai kisi se baat krne jaisa feeling.

See, aaj sunday hai still I am at home working, I didn't gave my 100% in last few days and work piled up and things got delayed. I am working hard finally in my life to achieve something and that something is money, I have to work hard to make enough money to get rid of some of the EMIs and to repay the amount of money that I owe to someone from a long time. Last two months, I have been working on my own, everything is my responsibility, delivering work on time, paying Aman and other people, but it feels good, this month's profit was double from the first month although we failed to achieve our targets maybe due to my exam but the good part is we made double from the last month, fingers crossed for this month, I need buckle up. Although, I could not save money for myself but still I am content that I can pay my bills on time without any help, it is a small thing but 2EMIs, maid, cook, Wi-Fi and other many such expenses and after that eating everyday outside and sometimes at really fancy places. I am happy that I could gift my father a good smart watch on father's day, I could feed them at fancy places on my own. But there are many sleepless nights behind this. I guess today is gonna be the another one but what to do, one sleepless night today and tomorrow all the work will be on track, so I can afford that.

Anyways, I wanted to go out today but I didn't, at least I should get some fresh air by sitting in balcony for sometime, I have just caged myself in this room, I don't even to that room with open air and balcony. Never mind, I will definitely try to go out tomorrow on all my own, I will try to finish everything tomorrow till 3-4pm and maybe I will go out, this is the promise to myself.

Okay bye!