Dear Diary, sometimes I think about that phenomenon people call hookups. I'm not even really that sad right now, but it still completely puzzles me. Hookups are a huge subject, often people will bring them up jokingly, they are a big point of discussion online and are often depicted in media. Yet I have never seen any evidence of these hookups happening in real life. Like I said many times I'm more interested in having a girlfriend and even that is super difficult already. So having casual sex with people you might not even know that well should be even harder. At least with dating there exist some pointers and institutions even if they are also rare and confusing. You see people being in relationships, even if I have never seen how one starts. You generally know that you have to ask people on a date or something, even if that process is left incredibly vague. But you will never know if other people have hookups or not. I guess other people have friends who might gossip about that stuff, but I wouldn't consider that the norm. You often hear that men "only want sex" and will often ask women for it. That could very well be true, but as a man I will never know if other men actually do that. And of course I will never be asked either. The one thing I do always see is how many women are adamant they don't want hookups. That makes it even less likely for these hookups to happen. Although it does suggest that women are asked for them to an annoying degree.
How would one even know how to go about having a hookup or asking for one? I guess it would be a similar process to "flirting" another practise people can never fully explain to me. At some point in "flirting" you would probably go a different route. Instead of asking the person for a date/ becoming your partner you would ask them for sex. It's just so alien to me that this would ever work out. I can't imagine a situation where it would play out that way. It's mostly because female sexuality seems so closed off. Don't get me wrong I do think that women sometimes want sex and don't have the means to get sex unless it's offered to them. There is just a big difference between intellectually knowing something and actually believing it is real. I have never witnessed women showing any sign of sexual interest in anyone. I have seen people hugging. I have seen people kiss, although only back in highschool. But that was only couples in relationships. Hookups should be something more spontaneous. I guess when men are acting agressive about sex and deploy these pickup artist like techniques they will be successful sometimes just because of sheer luck. But I can't see that happening often. Because the options to even ask people for this kind of stuff are so limited. Although you could have hookups with total strangers too of course. Actually asking someone for sex on the street doesn't seem like something many people would actually do though. Or is this happening around me and I'm just not noticing it? It feels like there is some fundamental devide with how other people experience these things and how I do. Tinder and other apps like that exist of course, that would be a way to just ask someone for sex without many risks. I was never asked for sex on them of course, but for women it is very likely different. That makes one way. But the number of people on these apps, especially women, is so low. If Hookups are so common and almost everybody has them they would need to happen in real life too. And people always act like they happen naturally when you meet someone attractive in the super market or something. Yet that feels so impossible to me.
Because again how would you ever know what to do? School abviously doesn't teach you. Media and porn depicts it, but emulating these exaggerations seems very unwise. Do friends tell you how to do it? Some kind of knowledge tradition being taught behind closed doors. Could be that I had the wrong friends. It's just so weird that there is this whole system of hooking up people allegedly engage in all the time, yet I and other people can go their whole life without ever seeing even a hint of its existence. It would be like never having seen someone else eat something or have witnessed someone having to go to the toilet to pee. Womens periods are another example. I hear women talk about them all the time. I see them buy period products all the time. I think I can even tell sometimes when they feel unwell because of it and go to the bathroom more often. All that tells me that periods exist, even if I don't have them myself.
But I have never seen anyone buy condoms. I see them in the store, but when do people actually buy them? It's just a mystery. Hookups even involve two people at once. So it should be extra obvious when they occur. You should see men and women making each other bedroom eyes or "flirting" with each other all the time. And then they would suspiciously go home together or someting. But that never happens. People just always act like it does. However they never mention concrete examples. No one irl ever talks about having sex. If I believed in conspiracies I would assume they are lying, but with this many people it would simply be illogical.
I just don't know and I can't figure it out. I'm 29 and have been trying to grasp this for so many years. Unless I'm somehow able to solve these questions, mostly the ones relating to relationships, I'm going to stay alone forever. The world is such a strange place.
Good Night