Dear Diary,
There are soooo many things i have to tell you, and i can tell you only.
I am a little irritated right now, i wasnt irritated whole day but had a relatively low day.
First, let me start from Gangtok, because thats where it ended. When she first told me that she'd come join me in the trip in the end, i was so happy, i thought maybe it was because she felt that i was feeling too alone. I thought maybe she did care.
But after she came i realized, that, maybe not, or maybe she did, but maybe i have something in me which just irritates her and...
So we broke up our friendship or whatever we had. Again.
This time i am not being childish, Everytime, it hurts us both(at least me). But what importance pain has now, i certainly don't care much about getting hurt anymore.
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I dont know why we are wired the way we are, i have so many good things in life, i know love is me, it's who i am, i can love others too and i do. But the same way ? It doesn't happen.
I cant explain, what it is, but there is something, i keep wanting to see her smile and laugh and be all happy all the time and in return wish that she'd trust me, just blindly. It doesn't happen and...
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It's been almost a month now, and on so many days and nights, i miss her, look at old photos, in which she is smiling...
I don't cry, (not until just now). I dont understand, Why dont i understand it, i mean, i have read everything, i know that most likely, there isn't anything for me in this road, its empty, total empty, and yet on somedays i just chose to come here and try to remember old things, why do i do this, i dont know.... I mean, i KNOWWWWW, i just dont understand....
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Today i am finding myself crying for what i don't have. But i know, that it's life, and in this mega universe, the tiny feelings of mine are of no significance.
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So i wont think of it, saying this makes my throat a little heavy, but that is it. I won't. I'll just sleep if i have to.
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I have other things to focus on. Yesterday i again picked up my stuff where i left, setup ml env on my system, checked a few repositories also.
I have to decide between fields to choose from, Quantum or AI. I think i should learn quantum. AI is ever changing and very rapidly, the cnn and rnn etc which i learnt, are probably of not much significance right now.
Quantum feels right, and then i should focus on creating a product, a business. Business could be the only way to survive in future for me.
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An update on the mexico thing. I dont know if i have told you already, but canary is having an engineering retreat, it was planned for mexico. And now it is in UK.
It was going to be first stamp on my passport. Everyone got their visas,booking their tickets and i haven't yet. Last week i had a dream that i got the letter saying rejected. And i might get rejected.... My chance to go to UK. will be gone. I made plans with saikat to go to serbia. All gone now ? I dont know yet.
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Spanish
Although i have made 105 days streak on duolingo, lately, i am loosing the intrest a bit. I even bought a course, i havent seen even one video yet. Lately, the only focus of life has been work at canary, small fixes, which i did not want to care about much, but i kind of have to right now, to make money.
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Jyoti
It's all so great when we are together, well sometimes she yell, for no reason and without considering other's feelings, but i know deep down she cares, and she also feels bad afterwards. She comes back and try to make up for it 😀. Which feels funny and lovely too. She is like me, just (me + an angry woman). Walking with her in the night, was beautiful 😍 , sitting on the bench, looking at the tower, it was perfect. Playing holi with aisha, watching beerbal during dinner and calling cleo our home was all soooo beautiful. I feel like she's my woman and i am her man (Well, when she let me be at times 😂). I think it's how most men live anyway, listening to their wives. All wives always yell and scold. It reminded me of Rosa and Hans Hubberman. So i try to be Hans and don't take all her yelling very seriously, 😀 i know she still care about me and love me(?). We are good when we are together. And as long as we dont try to change other.
But evantually, We reach a point, where it feels like there are certain things which we both just cant tolerate. I feel she doesn't understand me at times, and she feels the same, that i dont understand her.
Although there are so many reasons to believe that we both think very similarly.
We both feel that we dont listen to each other. And that's why after every few days of not being together, we start falling apart. We are falling apart...
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Mom
Mom's health isn't improving, Sometimes i feel so scared, what if something happens to her... The doctor said, it's related to age and it happens when you get old... OLD... is what we are getting and we dont have any argument against hat, when someone says, it's happening because you are getting old...
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Sweety
She is taking up another job now.
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Buenas noches
❤️