Welp, I shot my shot yesterday and she's seeing someone.
I feel very sad right now. I'm not sure why. Partly because of her I'm sure, but I think it's more so just the loneliness and boredom. I guess before I asked her there was always that chance that kept me going and now it's Sunday night and what's even the point of going to get coffee? It's funny because for the past month or so pretty much every evening revolved around whether or not she worked and now that it's a no go it's like what the fuck do I do. My internet has been out for 5 days since the storm, I already rock climbed for hours, normally I would go sit at the coffee shop for her but now I just feel like it would be weird. I mean I think I'd prefer to sit there over here and at least people watch but I don't know. I don't want to make her feel weird.
I'm happy I shot my shot. It's the first time I've ever done something like that. I'm happy to have had a crush. I'm grateful for these things. But I'm also sad that it didn't work out. And that's okay. But it really fucking sucks.
I've been writing about whether or not I need someone or want someone. I assumed want, and I think it's even more true now. If I needed someone, if I couldn't be alone, wouldn't I just go out and pick someone? I have over 1000+ likes between all my dating apps right now. A girl slid me her number at the coffee shop as she left yesterday. I could just go pick someone and not be alone. But as much as I want someone, very very few people seem remotely interesting to me. I think that's another reason why I'm bummed about her not working out. She was captivating and the first crush on someone I've had in literally 10 years. I know there will be more, I'm not "woah is me boohoo" cry babying about it, but it does suck. I didn't want just anyone. I wanted her. And I think that makes a difference. I think that matters in the need vs want fight. I'd like to think in a few months I go in there and she makes a move. That whoever she's seeing right now doesn't work out for her. But that's just me holding on. I think I'll hold on a bit longer as I work on accepting the reality of the situation, even if it isn't the right thing to do.
It's an odd feeling getting over someone you never had.
How can I satiate my boredom? I don't know if it's really possible alone. It's such a miserable feeling. I envy anyone who can manage to avoid it regularly.