Cute redhead isn't here. I mean, what do I even want? I don't want anything. If she asked me on a date randomly I would almost certainly decline. I come here in the evenings because I'm bored, but I could be bored at home. Really I come here because I hope she's working. And if she isn't I get disappointed and feel dumb and if she is then what? I'll be happy. I'll get something when she's working the register and try and make her laugh. I'll glance over at her constantly. But to what end? I won't ask her out. I'd decline if she asked me. I'm not ready yet. If I get upset when she isn't here and happy when she is but won't act on it, shouldn't I stop coming just for her? I'm letting her dictate my happiness. I'm putting myself in a position where my mood is controlled by someone else, and on top of it they have no idea.
When will I be ready for love? I know I can't put a time frame on it but god do I want to. This waiting, focusing on self with no end in sight is agonizing. I want love. I want affection. I want closeness. Maybe I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I want all of these things but in so many ways I don't at the same time. Maybe if I keep reminding myself of the good things I want about it then I'll stop focusing so much on the what ifs and the negatives. Do I have to convince myself that it's okay or will I just "know"? I feel like for someone like me, who overthinks to death and so negative, I almost have to list it out and try and tell myself it's okay.
All of these things have to add up to something: I've cut off the majorly unhealthy and codependent relationships of my life, I'm on meds that are actually doing something, I'm less judgmental than I've ever been, I've come to terms in a lot of ways with the reality of who my father is and no longer 'needing' him, I took a leap and am rock climbing now, I try and BS with random people at the coffee shop and the bar, I took a yoga class for the first time, I committed to plans with Godric a week in advanced, I hung out with Devon and Nick, I went with Matthew, I'm so much more forgiving with myself, I have a much better relationship with porn (but still need to work on it).
All of these things vary in scope on how impactful they are, but they are all good things. They're all things that help move me in the right direction.
What if meeting someone in person makes a real difference for me? What if building up a crush over weeks makes a difference? I hate apps and have never felt anything for anyone I met on them, but what if I already felt something before anything ever happened? Like a crush you'd get when you were younger. How much of myself could I devote to someone now that I'm alone? Now that I truly live alone now?
The thought of Ally still stings. And Cortney? It's a dull pain, very different than Ally. Ally is a fresh wound. Ally is a ex. Cortney. How do I define what I feel? How do I define her? It feels like losing a part of myself in a way. She was the majority of my life.
I will heal from both, but I know I'm not over Ally yet. I'll get there. I'm getting there, but it's still fresh. It still hurts. It would be wrong to try and start something with someone else when the scab is still there from another.
But what about in a few weeks? How will I feel then? A month? Two months? When will I be ready? When will it not hurt to think of her? When will I be confident in myself? When will I have enough inside of me that I can give a part of it to another? When will I know? When will I hold someone in my arms again and kiss the back of their neck as we fall asleep? When will I love again?