I feel the need for people to prove their love to me. And by people I mean people I care about, so that basically just means romantic partners. Or women in general I guess. The full realization of what this means is very difficult to admit though. But the more difficult something is then the more you know it should be done. If I'm not brutally honest about what I feel and why then how will I ever fix it? So here is an objectively true analysis of myself.
I want everyone to like me and think highly of me, especially women. Even women that I am not attracted to. I crave the thought of anyone finding me attractive. I crave that validation and that feeling it provides. I crave it so much that I stay attached to people longer than I should because I'm addicted to it. I crave it so much that I almost subconsciously cause problems or blow things out of proportion which allows me to not only get some of my hurt out, but also gives them a chance to prove how much they care for me. And I eat it up. Every single ounce of it. Why am I this way? Why do I need to feel cared for like this? Let's do what I do best and think about it.
I started to write some ideas down and then came to the realization that it's mainly just one thing: my dad. I'm going to talk about him in the past despite him still being alive. I want to write about it from the perspective of what was and what I experienced. I'm still dealing with the repercussions, but I am not that person living in that home anymore.
My dad was a profoundly mentally and physically ill, alcoholic, and suicidal man. He tried to do well by the people he cared, but his inability to heal from his own experiences as a child left him incapable of being a true father. He was not a bad man, but he was a broken man. Some of my earliest memories in life revolve around his drinking and what felt like his inevitable death. Those two ideas dictated my life until I left home just before I turned 25. I gave my life to this man. Every action, every thought was with him in mind first. How can I help dad? How can I make his life easier or better? How can I ease his pain? How can I help carry this burden he feels? It didn't matter the cost to myself or anyone else in the way. I could help him. I had to help him. He was my dad after all, what was I supposed to do?
And so I did everything I could. The home fell apart over the years and everyone left until it was just me and him. There was nothing under me. I was the last line of defense (I realize now that it wasn't my burden to bear but that is how it felt all those years) and so what this meant is that I had to be perfect. Failure was not an option because there was nobody else under me. Pair that with his drinking and suicide attempt (well the one that I was aware of at the time. It turned out there were more too) and physical health and I'd go to bed every night not wondering if I'd wake up the next day and have a dad. I had no autonomy. No freedom. I'd do anything and everything he asked because how could I say no? I probably enabled him more than anyone else in his life. I was the parent. He as the child. But it wasn't just the drinking. Between all of the strokes he had due to stress and the suicidal tendencies it felt like any misstep in life could cost me my dad's own life. That I could be the tipping point. Something I did or said or something I said no to when he asked. That was my life for 25 years.
I remember crying out to my parents before telling them how all I ever wanted to hear was that they were proud of me. That my burden, what I did for the family, what the family did to me, that pain was acknowledged and appreciated and meant something. I gave my life, every thought to my family. I just wanted to be told that I mattered. That they understood. That they were sorry. I just wanted to feel that from them. I wanted them to prove their love to me. I wanted to see it so that it could wash away the pain that I felt. I needed it. I craved it. It was the only thing that would help. Acknowledge my pain. Acknowledge me. Show me that you care about me. Tell me that you care about me. Help take this pain from me. Show me. Tell me. Help me. Me. Me. Me.
It wasn't enough that just anybody acknowledged my pain though. It had to be someone I had a true connection with. It's that connection that matters. It's not enough to listen to my pain, you must feel it. You must help share the load. You must help take it off my shoulders. The only way you can do this is through a true connection with someone that understands not just your situation, but you yourself. It had to be someone who loves you.
Now take all of that and toss in an 8 year relationship with someone who you used to lean on through it all. Who understood you more than anyone else in this world. Who was that connection in your life. Date them as a child until you turn into a man. Become so intertwined that you never even had a chance to figure out who you are separate from them. Then leave them because you acknowledge that you're deeply sick yourself and are incapable of healing yourself when you're with someone else.
I want everyone to love me. I want every woman to love me. I want that love. I want that connection. I want it so I can feel understood. I want it so that they can feel my pain. I want it so they can help take the burden off of my heart. I want it. I crave it. I need it. It consumes me. It is so unhealthy.
It's something I'm working incredibly hard on so that one day I might meet someone and love them not because I need to, but because I want to. That I might fall in love with the person themselves and not the concept and comfort that I so desperately desire.
~appending to this after a I thought of something else important after a few hours~
I explained above why I feel the need to be loved and cared for, but I didn't explain why it's also a need for all women to love me or think I'm attractive or funny. You see, if they don't think any of those things about me then that means something is wrong. It means I am wrong. It means I messed up. It means I'm not perfect. And if I'm not perfect my dad could die. Everything has to be in its perfect spot. Everything must be perfect. I must be perfect.
Be controlling, be manipulative, demand perfection from yourself and everyone you've ever loved and in the end he will still die despite your misery.