I'm supposed to write so I write.
I workout but don't eat enough. I'm trying to really up my protein. I'm severely under what I should be; I hope I start to see a difference. It's difficult but I'm getting there.
Dr. Lewis says that I have a porn addiction. She's probably right, but I struggle to accept it most of the time. I deleted everything anyone ever sent me, including Cortney, which I swore I would never, ever do no matter what. I haven't watched anything in about a week. I haven't orgasmed in a few weeks. The urges are slowly dying down. I don't want to say that it's easy, but I don't want to say that it's hard. I have this unbridled belief in myself that I can do anything. That I can achieve anything I want to in life. That the only thing that holds me back is myself. It isn't cockiness or even confidence. It's belief in self. The thing is though, even though I believe it, doesn't mean I'm always ready for change. I've tried to fix this before, but it was more so a "let's take a break. let's see how long I can go". It was always a delay, and not an attempt at true change. But now it's like a light switch. I am ready. It's not easy, but at the same time it is. Because I believe in myself.
I think most importantly why I'm succeeded now compared to the other times is that I am doing this for myself. Every other time I tried to cut back I was doing it for someone else. Either Cortney (mostly Cortney) or when I was trying to date random people. Because I knew it affected my confidence in bed and my ability to perform. And so when I would try and cut back and life was just terrible in general and then I didn't have this thing that I could use to escape the world every day, idk I would just lose desire to keep going. Because in my mind, I wasn't doing it for me, I was doing it for my partner at the time. My desire, my motivation for change was focused outward instead of inward.
I'm so bored every day. Every single day. I just sit around and do nothing all day. I'm getting better, I know I am, but god am I still so miserably bored every single day (especially now that I've cut out porn). Nothing alone interests me. I've always had this problem. Always. Video games? Can't play more than 5 minutes. But if I can play them with friends? I can play for hours. Same thing with TV shows, movies, anything. Nothing interests me. It's the people that make life, the things I love interesting.
I go to the coffee shop to work every day. To get out of the house. I usually go on the weekends too. I worked here today, went home, and then came back around 7 to work a bit more. Besides, it's open mic night and I love live music. I love to people watch. I love to look good, to dress nicely, to smell good. It makes me feel good about myself. I like to go there and people watch and imagine myself with the attractive people I see. I look up from my laptop with every single person that walks by no matter what. I'm here to not be alone, to put myself out there, to hopefully have some small, tiny human interaction. I am here for them. But I'm also here to hopefully be craved by them like I crave for them. I sit here at 8:16 on a Tuesday writing this in slacks, a tucked in black turtle neck, rings on my fingers, nice boots, and cologne on. And for what? How much is it for me? How much is it for "them"?
I imagine myself laying in bed with someone else most nights. Craving the touch and closeness. I imagine myself holding hands with someone as I walk Luna just to see how I feel at the thought of it. I know I'm not ready. Lord I know that. And the thought of being with someone, god that just sounds so incredibly exhausting, but lord do I find myself always feeling like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Because I want the closeness, the touch, the friendship, the partnership, but I want absolutely none of the work and effort involved. But I know it doesn't work like that. And so I sit here watching every attractive girl that walks by and imagining what life would be like with them, and for a moment I am happy.
I could sit here and write for hours, but I'm a sucker for a good ending so I will end it there. And as I say that, the redheaded barista that works here just walked by and my heart jumped. Every day I come here hoping she's working. You see for me the hardest thing in life is wanting something but being self aware and disciplined enough to know it isn't conducive to a healthier, better you (especially when it comes to women). And so despite the fact that I believe she looks at me too, I'll go home tonight without saying a word to her. I'll say hello to the girls when I get home, get ready for bed, lay down, scroll on my phone later than I should because I decided to drink coffee at 8pm, and finally fall asleep wishing she was next to me.
I need to stop writing. I'm going to spiral. But I'm glad I wrote what I did. Be kind to yourself when you read this back eventually. You're making progress. Real progress.
See but now I feel like I'm on the verge of spiraling. So I feel like I need to write to get it out. Idk what to do. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And that makes 7. I swear I can feel the rope around my neck when I close my eyes. And you see, it doesn't matter how bad I want to fall asleep with someone in my arms tonight. Because tomorrow, I'll wake up, the wind will blow slightly differently that day, and then we will be at 8.