Stutz says to write to tap into the subconscious, so I write.
I haven't cum in something like two weeks. It's not about how long I can go, but simply no longer an option in my mind. Porn affects my life in so many negative ways. I still watch it occasionally, and I'll still jerk off a bit, but I don't cum. I crave it, but it makes me feel like shit. It's so easy, so fun, and I'm always so bored and it's always just a tap away.
I feel like less of a man, less of a person when I constantly jerk off. I know for a fact it affects my abilities in bed. I know for a fact it dissuades me from pursuing people because of my fear with an inability to perform. And then when that happens, I absolutely destroy myself afterwards. I've always used it as a crutch. Something to make me feel good when everything around me feels like such shit. But it just inevitably makes me feel worse and I've always known this. I've just not been able or ready to accept it until now.
I deleted every nude in my phone. I deleted my messages with Cortney to delete those too. Some are still in our media history because of how messenger works, but I can't do anything about those. I still have the old ones on a flash drive somewhere too, but when I find it I'll delete those too. Choosing to delete all of her nudes, and just the nudes I have in general, was probably one of the hardest personal decisions I've ever made. Throughout my entire life I never planned to delete a single one from anyone no matter what. It wouldn't matter if I was in a committed relationship with someone I would just choose to hide them. But they are just a glimpse into the past that hold me back from what I one day hope to achieve in the future. And so they are gone.