Dear Diary,
I feel so shitty right now. Like I just want to cry until I can't anymore. I want to let it all out. But I can't. And I also can't be in MY safe space for an entire week. I hate this. SOS. PLEASE. I really and truly don't want to be here. And in case you're wondering I am at my moms ex-husband's house. Aka my sisters' dad. I hate him. He used to be abusive and now that he has changed a little bit he thinks I am just going to forget it all and everything will be just... normal? But I won't. And it'll never be normal. I hate him for what he did to me, my mom, and my brother. He ruined my childhood. He ruined my life. I will most likely be traumatized and need therapy the rest of my life. I can't get over what he did. I can't get it out of my head.
The screaming. Fighting. Glass breaking. Un-needed arguing. I hate every bit of it. Sometimes I feel like younger me took little snap shots of everything that was happening. Like I had photographic memory. And sometimes without my permission my brain starts going through all of them and making me think of all the awful things that happened. And it makes me want to literally crawl into a hole and die. I wish I could make it stop. But this, this will stick with me until the day that I die. And that's one of the big things I hate about myself. I'm not good at letting go. Not with bad things, not with bad people. You could literally stab me in the back so you could get something and then abandon me, I still survive, and then you come back. And if I truly loved you, and cared about you. I will act like it never happened. I will always stay. But that's only if I care enough.