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Dear Diary,
Since I've been away from here, some things are sort of coming to the surface, things I was blind to and didn't see before. That seems to be how it goes in all my relationships, once they end I see the flaws, I see it from an outside perspective because I'm no longer biased towards the girl anymore. I also might've been in denial or knew I was taking a risk dating her.
I'm 19, Vaishnavi is 17 and we were together for a year. Normally thats out of my age range because:
1.) I didn't want to date someone in high school because it'd hold me back.
2.) People often assume a couple year age gap isn't horrible but when you're a teen, 2 years is a huge maturity gap and I faced the consequences of her immaturity a lot.
She was such a sweet girl, especially early on, very smart, talented, etc... she was honestly the perfect girl but nothing can really replace maturity, knowledge and experience. This was her first relationship, while I had been in many prior to her so I was sort of the one she was learning from, the one she looked up to and such. I had to teach her a lot of things, how to be communicative, see the conflict from the other persons side, we had to set rules just so lines wouldn't be crossed during arguments. It sounds dramatic but it was just simple things like "no insults, no leaving the conversation till its finished, never go to bed with saying I love you, goodnight", etc... They were simply rules to ensure that we treated each other with respect if we were fighting.
These rules weren't set in place just incase, these rules were set because of what happens when she got upset or angry for whatever reason. She was the sweetest girl but if she was pissed off at you, she was a ruthless monster that would say or do anything just to be petty. Her pettiness was the source of so much fighting we had gone through. Often times we couldn't just talk something out, she'd go 5 hours without talking to me, vent to all her friends about whatever was going on, and if I wasn't the one to apologize or break the silence first she'd blame me for it and go on about how she always had to be the person to fix things which wasn't true and she was also the person to start most of them to begin with.
I didn't mind her flaws, because as long as she loved me I'd be everything she needed, I'd do anything for her, I'd stay through whatever hardships, complications, struggles we had as individuals and within our relationship. She wasn't down for that apparently. She was with me for over a year, she said she loved me, that she had faith in me but ended our relationship because within 7 months of my high school graduation I wasn't a successful guy, or someone with their whole life planned out. She left me because I had an "uncertain future" as if everybody else has some solidified future and I was the outlier.
She wasn't willing to stick with me through the hard stuff and I think thats where her immaturity came in the most. Relationships need full dedication. full effort from 2 people and she left before anything even got hard. She left in fear of the hypothetical future that I wouldn't make something of myself. Someone that loves you would actually stay, at least to see if I'd be worthy of her, someone thats really in it for marriage would stay to help, to encourage and support the person they want a future with and she wasn't willing to do that.
Our relationship was a mistake and we were better off as friends. I do regret it and If I could go back the one thing I'd change is never making a move on her, I never would've confessed my feelings and hopefully she never would've confessed hers or instead lost whatever she had for me.