Sometimes the only things that fill my head are bad things. Like today. I was in English and out of nowhere I just felt this big wave of sadness come over me. Then I just started thinking about the fact that I am 8 pounds "overweight". I hate thinking about my body and weight. Mainly because it makes me want to just go in my room for days and not move. Just sleep. Or even just lay there. I hate the things I do to myself. No one knows about the things I think about. Like what it would be like if I just wasn't here. Would anyone be happier? Would the people around me miss me? I wonder these things a lot. It probably isn't good for me though. I need to stop thinking these things, but I can't. When I am in a room with certain people, I just feel disgusting. For no reason. like they need to cleanse themselves of me. Like I need to disappear. Like I am not good enough for this fowl earth and the people on it. I hate that I feel that way but I can't help it. And every day I go to school and put on this fake face. This mask. To make people think I am okay so they don't go through the rest of their days worrying about me. Mainly just to my best friends. Bobbi and Joanna. I don't know what I would ever do without them. They make me complete. Not entirely. But mostly. They fill in some of the missing pieces and I love them for that. I just wish I could open up to them and tell them everything that goes through my horrid mind. I wish that I could actually trust someone enough to tell them all of the things I think about on a daily basis. But if Bobbi and Joanna knew they wouldn't ever be able to look at me the same way again. And I hate that. It's not that they would hate me. Or think I am disgusting. But it's that they wouldn't be able to see the old me. The one that was truly laughing and smiling. Not the one that has to put up a facade so that no one will worry. What i need is therapy. But my mom is putting my brother in instead of me. She doesn't see what people and what everything that's happened does to me. Because she thinks that she knows me when truly she doesn't at all. My mom and I don't really have the best relationship. But she's still my mom and has always put up with my bullshit so I still love her. She just doesn't understand how hard every day is for me.