Dear Diary,
For the past couple days we haven't spoken a word, our last discussion started about a streak we had going, 439 days I believe it's at as I speak. The conversation was a debate regarding whether we should keep the streak going or not. I didn't find it to be a big deal but I guess to her it was just another reminder of my existence and so she wanted to put yet another thing to rest to progress further into removing me from her life.
Over the past few days I've done everything I can to distract myself from her, us, and the pain I go through everytime I think about it. During these past couple days I've noticed a couple things that I didn't expect and its confusing me. The other day I woke up quite early in the morning as my sleeping schedule is a bit of a mess, around 4am I randomly awoke and when I checked my notifications I saw "van is typing". However this event took place hours ago and since then I've wondered "why?". Did she actually have something to say and change her mind, or did she do it to get my attention of some sort; to let me know she's thinking about me perhaps or to also not only do that but hope I would reciprocate as some sort of odd type of communicative affection?
Normally I wouldn't think much about it but through out what was our relationship, when we argued and weren't on talking terms she'd often times type on snapchat to at the least give me the notification that she was typing but never send anything. I always wondered if there was a specific intention behind why she did this because it happened to many times it'd be hard to believe that each time it was simply because she decided to backspace everything she was saying instead of sending what was on her mind.
That all being said I can't help but wonder if she did it on purpose with some goal in mind.
Another thing I just realized a few moments ago and pressed me to write this was that as of right now her bond touch bracelet is connected. Whether she doesn't intend it to be or not is still up in the air but for several reasons I'd think its intentional:
1.) For the past couple months despite my constant reminders her bracelet has displayed as "Not Connected" even if she was wearing it. So for it to just happen to be connected without manual intervention is unlikely.
2.) It's been several days since we decided to split away completely even as friends. That time for the bracelet to die, time for her to just put it away and be done with it, time for her to delete the app because she has no reason to keep it.
3.) The app goes offline when you don't open it every so often, even more often for her so even when you mean to have your bracelet connected sometimes it'll disconnect because the app stops till you open the tab again. At the very least she not only still has the app given that it shows she's connected, but she's atleast checked it and after seeing my bracelet is still connected she for whatever reason decided to connect hers as well.
All of this is confusing me. We broke up on 12-30-22 so it's been 18 days since our separation and every day after she's done something to push us apart even more. Since day one she's pressed that we are nothing but friends, and while I tried to keep us together and hold onto something between us she said no over and over.
My best guess is now that we haven't talked in days, she's starting to miss me and is lingering onto whatever is left of us. Its hard not to view this in such a way of a logical or psychologic perspective as I enjoy analyzing people, their intentions and reasons for doing things. Not only does it appear she misses me, but is trying to stay connected in whatever ways she can with me via the bracelets, sending that notification and life360 that we're both still connected to. Its so frustrating to me but it is sweet and its hard to be angry at her for it.
Frustrating because for the last 2+ weeks I've done everything I can to stay connected to her while we were still more than what we are now and she shut me down at every attempt, at every step towards keeping us alive but now that we're torn apart and never to be anything again she finally decides to show some effort in expressing care or heartbreak to me.
Then again I guess when considering all possibilites there are two more, and whether they're unlikely or not, I feel that I must still speak of them.
1.) In her mind she has some twisted goal of trying to make me feel better by sending that notification and staying connected through the bracelets.
2.) All of this was a total coincidence, both the notifcation meaning she did actually have something to say including the possibility that it was her telling me she wants to unadd me on everything. This would also include
the idea that her bracelet was connected by accident, perhaps its battery is still alive, on her desk, and she set her phone on her desk. From what I've seen the distance between her phone and bracelet never changed whether it was connected or not so maybe she restarted her phone or it died and possibly her phone was then capable of connecting to the bracelet because the app reset thus being the equivalent to switching to the app.
I think however she's done it on purpose, I don't know exactly why or what game she's playing at. I don't know if I should just let it happen or retaliate by disconnecting my bracelet. I don't think she deserves to wear it, shes the one who ripped us apart and only just now wanting to show some affection once its all over. If its because she's in pain and this makes her feel better, good she deserves it and I hope it eats her alive.