Dear Diary,
Let's see ... Where do I start? This was one of the most horrible weeks I've had in my entire life. It's like everything goes wrong even when you're trying to be so " positive " about everything! I don't want anyone to feel like I'm just a complainer, but I feel though nothing good really ever happens for good people. I'm a good person, good heart, clean conscious, I tend to listen and understand more than others, great mind set I just don't utilize it much because I be so stuck in a daze, honestly it's hard to think or be positive when there is so much on your mind and so much WRONG! * Sighs * This is why sleeping is my go to. I don't want to feel how I'm feeling, so I sleep to feel nothing. When I'm not awake nothing matters. " But you just can't sleep you whole life away "!
Yeah.... I know, but it's the only thing I can do to keep myself at ease, to stop myself from thinking, to get away for a while from people and things I don't want to deal with.
I've got a Hobby or Talent, or whatever you want to call it. I'm good at it but nothing pushes me to achieve it. Is it because I feel alone? Or am I scared how others are going to view me ? Is it the fear of not being accepted? Or am I just lazy? Or do I not believe In the talent/Hobby as much as I think I do? Or what if it's " All Of The Above"? How do I shake that off? I always felt like the black sheep in my family, always getting put last, favoritism, bullying, pushed to my buttons pop, like I can go on and on and on! And I probably never healed from it. I don't think I've healed from anything. I just suck it up and keep it moving, hurt in peace, I don't want to make someone's live miserable just because they did it to me. So I just distance myself, but I always remember.
( Sighs* ) I just want some type of mind besides smoking and wanting to run away. I want to control and handle my feelings, I just don't know where to start. God help me!