Dear Diary,
It really sucks working somewhere you don't want to. I am really not a social person, and the fact that I picked the worst two careers of my life is so sad. Nursing and security. I hate talking to people, I hate being questioned, I don't like to interact with anyone in person, I like to be left alone. And I know... Why'd you pick the jobs? In all honesty this world has made it seem like working is more important than mental health. And what I mean by that is, I was raised to survive, I don't know much about investing, and living my life's purpose and ETC... You're forced to feel or believe that working is your only option or only way out, and it's sad it took me 26 years to realize this. I work because I have bills to pay, I have priorities and goals that I do want to accomplish, However sometimes I feel like I am getting too comfortable and I am just settling. I don't wan to just settle, i want to live a meaningful life. I don't want to deal with a job just because it helps assist with my needs.
Idk, maybe I feel as though I deserve better now. I really wanted this to be my last year working. I can't take it anymore. People are the worst thing god probably created on this Earth. I wouldn't mind having a few " Home Alone " moments lol " If you get what I am saying "!. I just want to be Alone, at peace, surrounded by nothing but water and trees. Sound like paradise right? Paradise is what I need. And I'm not talking about an island. Something very much permanent, for an example I've detached myself so much from a lot of things In life I really wouldn't even mind living In a cave, as long as I have a bed and refrigerator. As long as I am at peace and It's quiet and nobody is around to speak, interact, yet along bother me I will be fine. I just want to disappear... you know? For maybe 6 months, and lose contact with everyone. Just so I can figure things out, figure myself out IDK!!! Fuck I need some type of guidance or assistance in my life. I feel like i'm going downhill all over again. Firm believer in god and he does give his toughest battles to his strongest children, But god I am tired, Overwhelmed, emotionally, physically and mentally drained. You know our hearts right? You know what we're thinking right? So you out of all people should know how I'm feeling, why haven't you gotten rid of the pain? I be trying to take it one day at a time. But it's 24 hours in a day. Do you know how painful it is to feel like this all the time for 24 hours a day? It will drive you freaking nuts!
I know I deserve better, I want better. But it's like even when I think about my life's purpose, I sit and ask myself is that going to make you feel better for a life time? Or is it just a temporary Band-Aid to make you feel good just for the moment. And then when it's all over, I'm back to square one. I honestly can't say what makes me happy, because I don't even know myself.