Dear Diary,
It's a brand new year! Why am I not happy? I could say it's from self-sabotage, but it's like the things I want don't want me. Even if god feels like something isn't right for us at the moment, why does it feel right? Or why would he allow something that is not good for us to come into our lives and take control? I get he wants us to learn, and he test's us, but why allow us to have desires and etc If we really can't have them, or if they're not good for us? That's confusing if you ask me. But idk... I battle with my mind everyday, just trying to figure out this life shit. I have talents, Ideas, and creativity that others don't have, However I still feel normal, as if none of that matters or mean anything. Maybe this is a minor phase I am experiencing, maybe I need my medication( marijuana ), a therapist per say? Idk man. This shit sucks, depression, anxiety, feeling alone, how do I cope with it? I know I hate myself, I can feel it, look how I treat people, how I mentally and physically abuse myself when not in my right mind frame, just how unsatisfied I am with everything about this world, and not to mention any and everything pisses me off within 0.3 seconds. I can't find anything good about it. I love my family but that's not enough to push me, I don't have close friends, I be trying to be cordial but it's just not the same. I've been showing and giving love all my life and I have yet to receive it in return. I am tired, frustrated, feel lost asf. The only thing I can do is write my feelings down, I cant control half of this stuff that be happening to me, And I don't want to feel like I have to live through it and dwell through it because that pain and suffering through it is torture. Sometimes I wish my heart was numb, I wish I had no feelings. I wish my brain would just stop working. I just be wanting it all to go away. Nobody understands me. And I need to find some type of healing before I self destruct or really hurt someone. I be so ready to risk it all now a days, nobody should feel this empty and drained with life, when life is suppose to be something beautiful. But is it really?