Dear Diary,
Hi, I'm not well today, mentally. Physically too, I mean the last few days has been so stressful for me that I got my periods too early this month and that too with heavy bleeding and so much of waist pain and lot of emotional disturbances due to everything happening around and surge of every hormones. Anyways, the point of writing today is not this, its just that you know that you have toxic parents but can't help it, parents who shows the world that they are very liberal, open minded but deep down they are conservative, sometimes toxic, and manipulative, however they themselves don't realize it.
I really liked Reeshabh and was emotionally connected to him, he would have been my best choice but I said him today that I won't be able to continue this marriage alliance any further, coz bahut drame ho gaye hain ghar pe, ghar wale chahate hain ki mai khush rahu, khub smile karu, chehakti rahu to ye nai ho sakta hai na coz I am not happy from inside.
And mai kya bolti usko waise bhi, coz the reasons I could give him are so shallow. Coz mummy papa ko toh koi aur hi pasand aa chuka tha jo out of syllabus aaya, aur pata nai itta kya jaldi tha usko bhi haan kehne ka sirf ek baar mil k hi, iske liye to papa ne sab compromise kr diya, low horscope matching scores bhi which I wouldn't have preferred, I would not have preferred him in the first place if the choice was only mine. He is a nice guy and nothing as such to dislike but still my heart hasn't accepted him yet.
jab se ye aaya aur ek baar me haan kar diya tab se mummy papa ka ekdum hi mann badal gaya, otherwise phle to mummy ko Reeshabh bhi kitna sahi lag raha tha, aur just coz maine haan nai bola toh papa mere se 3-4 din properly baat nai kr rahe the and mere bhai ko sahi lag raha tha that ye log mere pe emotional pressure banayenge hi banayenge, fir kal jab khul k baat hui tab inlogo ne bola thik hai chalte hain milne etc, I know abhi thodha financial condition sahi nai hai isliye I was in dilemma but fir ek taraf toh ye log ka tha haan chlo tumko mental satisfaction mil jayega n all but dusre taraf inka hai ki arey kidney stones recurring hote hain, baar baar problems hoga etc, humlog nai chahte ki jaise aadhi life abhi tak tum hospital ja ja k bita rahi ho humlogo k sath wahi kro aage bhi n all, which is a good point, thik hai, fir inlogo ka aur bhi negative aspects le kr chal rahe the ki ye nai hua, wo nai hua, etc, sirf ladka interested hai n all.
Toh fir isliye I said ki thik hai, jahan baat sahi lag raha hai wahin kijiye.
and fir I texted Reeshabh ki hum nai aa re hain coz like sab toh tumko pata hi hai, traveling there will bear atleast 50-60k expense at this time, I could not say him complete no to him that time ab kya hi bolti because actual reason was out of syallabus wala ladka
I know usko bura laga tha kal but kuch nai bola wo, mujhe bhi acha nai lag raha tha, kitne compatible the hum, sab sahi tha, he could have been my best choice to go with.
Fir aaj morning me, uske father call kiye the papa ko, papa k lame excuses, fir papa ko message bhi aaya uske papa ka, ki may I ask Reeshabh to book tickets, pls share your date, timings and details, papa baad me dekh k humko bataye, acha laga humko, ki samne wala abhi bhi effort kar raha hai and hum kya kr rahe hain, fir bhi, humara self respect humko pyaara hai, etc, jisse usko aur bura laga ki he is trying to make things easy and hum galat samjh rahe hain, but fir decide hua ki chle jaate hain, kynki meri khushi imp hai, etc, jo ki sirf kehne ki baatein hain, kyunki jaise tickets ka payment kar rahi thi mummy ka muh bana phle, fir papa ka 10 xyz reasons, toh meko samjh aa gaya ye log jaana chahte nai hai, bas meko dilasa de rahe hain.
fir kya I texted him ki nai continue kr paayenge , usne puchha kyu, I said ki I don't want to give any stupid reasons, all I can say is sorry for wasting your time and emotions. Thik 2 months phle sab start hua tha 20th oct ko aur aaj sab khtm, I cried after this, I have a heavy heart abhi bhi. Janti hu usko bhi hurt kiya hai maine, agar usko koi feelinngs nai hoti, toh thodhi na wo itta kuch krta, usne to apne side se sab try kr liya. But I wasn't truly deserving for him.
But thik hai apne parents k hisab se maine decide kiya hai , now they openly know that I am not happy at all, so they are also not that happy. Reeshabh is better in every aspect than this guy I chose, in everything, more good looking, maybe better financial status if parents see this too, kafi smart I mean way of talking and all, definitely more educated and most importantly I connect him with so well automatically, batana nai padta hai,comfort tha ek, but thik hai, kaun sa pehli baar hai, hamesha toh aisa hua hai jis chiz k liye try kiya hai maine kabhi mila nai hai, fir wo life partner ho, career ho ya aur kuch bhi.
ye log hamesha hi aise krte hain, jb koi pasand aata hai tb tab wahan pr baat kharab kr dete hain, sayad inke hi genes k wajah se mai bhi itta confuse hoti hu. Shikhar k time pe bhi inhone aise hi kiya tha...so nothing new, inko haar chiz apne hisab se chahiye.
Anyways, I have tried to convince them ki haan mai thik hu, koi khushi dikh nai raha hai kynki mai hu nai khush, normal hu, excitement nai hai, I said ki sbse baat hota hai toh sabse shaadi thodhi ho paati hai, thik hai sab, although I don't want anything lavish, I like it simple, aise bhi we don't have a budget right now. Aur samjh aa gaya hai meko papa ko ab office jaane ka koi mann bhi nai hai, transfer k baad se unko excuse hi mil gya, le lena chahiye unko voluntary retirement.
Aur waise bhi sabne yahi suggest kiya tha jo mai abhi kar rahi hu, Arihant ne, Divya ne, choose the person jisne haan bol diya hai,,,thik hai ban gayi na mai good daughter, atleast mummy jo keh rahi hai sahi keh rahi hai, samjh rahi hai mummy k andar se how I am feeling but I am denying it, wo log sukoon se rahe isliye to mai jo unko pasand hai wo kr rahi hu, I am rebellious but hamesha unlogo k hisab se decisions liye hain.
ab is insaan ko baad me ja kr kuch hota hai health issues, tab mai apne mummy papa ko puchhungi,, coz according to me health issues to baad me bhi ho skte hain kisi ko bhi, kya guarantee hai kisi chiz ki.
kal mera exam hai, aaj ka pura din aise hi gaya, abhi mann bhi nai hai padhne ka, aaj ek job k liye apply ki hun, onsite, although they will pay less only but thik hai. Interview k liye bulaye hain,,,jaungi.
abhi bas itta hi, although bahut kuch ho gaya.