Dear Diary,
Theres a couple things since early in our relationship of one year. One of the I guess intimate things was our sex drive.
We're still long distance for the time being, and in the beginning we were quite the horny couple. Sexting, facetime sex, nudes, anything you could think of we did.Over the course of a few months that sex drive started declining, still doing it here and there but never as often or as passionate as it used to be. It was kind of saddening, as this was an important aspect of our relationship to me and I didn't know how to fix it. I brought it up a few times and over all her reasoning was school. Stressed about school is something I'd understand but it felt hard to belive, and i really trust her so it was hard and felt wrong to reason with myself otherwise. It breaks my heart to say it but I feel like she was just losing interest. Understandably she was new to everything, an Innocent girl you could say so being excited and into trying it. Its like watching your favorite show for the first time. I guess that passion just died as time went on. Very rarely we did it since then, sometimes she still sent stuff for me to satisy me and all when i got in the mood. Sometime later on she told me she was never into it, or nearly as much as she made it seem, my heart truly shattered when she told me that. The guilt that washed over me. She said she did it to keep me happy and wanted to maintain the sex drive I had with my previous girlfriend because i was active with them and she didn't want to be a lower standard then what i was used to. She said she felt insecure doing all that stuff with me and ended it pretty much saying she didn't wanna do it anymore and since that day we never have. I have a collection i guess you could call it, a gallery basically full of recordings of our ft sex, videos we sent to each other, pictures, showers, etc.. and I can't look at them without feeling guilty for asking those things of her. I've never felt like such a monster before that day. Even now that conversation still upsets me, i wish she told me sooner and at the same time I feel like I should've known and stopped our sex drive. I even tried a few times but she insisted I didn't and emphasized she didn't want that to happen. I got so confused after nights I never initiated anything but she still requested that we do it. A few days later I suggested a deal, where neither of us asked or sent anything till she was ready to be active again. As it upset me and was unfair to reject my advances but still request me to do things on ft for her because she was horny before bed. The deal didn't really last long, eventually she initiated a whole session and that day we decided to start again but.. that didn't last long either.
Over time I just asked less and less, I stopped sending things when I was in the mood, and tried my best to stray away from the topic overall. Its hard for me though, always will be so sometimes my hormones got the best of me and tried to initiate anyways, they for the most part was completely shut down but occasionally she reluctantly sent and my guilty feelings and regret started after.
I don't know why I am this way, its just something really important to me I guess and I just have a higher sex drive than she does. I didn't always think that, we used to both be so into it and I was glad I wouldn't have to worry about being too overbearing with it.
We talked again about it the last couple days, and the entirety of sex talk in general isn't necessarily forbidden but its obvious even the slightest mention isn't a good idea. I mentioned how we both talk about it, tease it, and I know itll be years before it happens but I still enjoyed talking about it with her. She said "I know, but baby it gets a little more repulsive the more you express the idea of sex this soon. Before i was immature and didn't realize the importance of my innocence but now when you talk about it i know i really want to have sex with you but everytime you bring it up its harder to say no to and i don't like being put in a position to reject your advances."
It hurt my feels because we both did it so much, but when I did it repulsed her.
I feel digusted with myself, like a pervert or something.
For the last few months, anytime I have pleasured myself, regardless of who initiated it, and even if I told her about what I was doing I didn't send anything, especially a video of me finished. If she initated the session i just felt she wasn't interested. I started this habbit a long time ago, to stop sending those vids if she didn't ask to see them when the session was over. That way if she did ask I at least knew she was interested enough to want to see them or at least pretended to for my sake. Unfortunately though.. sortve unfortunately... out of all those times maybe once did she ever ask to if that. It hurt my feelings, really made feel unwanted and like she didn't want to see me anymore. Since then I can't remember the last time I've showed her releasing myself. No matter who started it, how much we sent to each other etc... I never send the video. I can't bring myself to, even if i send it i delete it before she sees it, this has happened dozens of times. Id take the video wanting to send it but in the end just closed the video so itd be deleted forever and she never knew. It makes me feel so insecure she doesn't want it. I know this isn't what she intends for me to feel, shes not a monster. Its just her feelings clashing with mine. Ironically this is the similar to the way all this started. I feel insecure just like she did. I guess the difference though is she doesn't care, isn't interested enough to want to do anything, nor ask like i used to be at the time. So she isn't directly responsible for my feelings like I was to hers.
A lot of bad feelings came from all this, guilt, sadness, rejection, and insecurity on my part. Its hard to blame her for anything, she wanted to keep me happy and satisfied even if it hurt her to do it. Selfless really but I wouldn't have done all of that if I knew her real feelings. Sigh... i wanna cry but what good does that do. Cutting might make me feel better, but if I did that and she ever found out I can't imagine how guilty she'd feel when I had to confess it. Sure I could just not tell her but I promised I would at her request. Last time I confessed it though it didn't go over well, I don't remember if I had cut since then but if I did I didn't say anything about it in fear of her reaction to it like the previous time.
After the talk we had the last day or two, I'm gonna try my best to shut down any trace of sexual things in my mind. Any jokes ill shoot down, any temptations to say anything, or send anything. The word sex will hopefully never be brought up again between us for a long... very long time. Not that its my intention to, but I wonder if 100% deprivation of it from me in this area will have any affect on her interest in it again. Either way i think ill shut down any advances from her, im not angry about it but if she did it to me, i don't want to be used that way if she doesn't want to reciprocate when im interested. The goal here is to avoid any conflict, hurt feelings, and i guess it might be petty but if she says it bothers her then I'm not giving that part of me at all. This mentality comes off harsh but i don't mean it to be, I'm the only person that'll ever read this so I guess its fine. I don't wanna be used if she doesn't be fair about it. Though this is mostly hypothetical, she's never going to ask or initate anything anyways as sad as it makes me feel to say. I wished it wasn't the case but the matter of the fact is, she doesn't want me that way any more, at least for the time being i hope.
Its been a roller coaster, its on my mind pretty much 24/7 and sparked compatibility scares. If its this much of a struggle now what about the future. What if its one of those things that drive wedges between couples? I hope its all over thinking.
I love her so much no matter what.
.