December 07, 2022 Nobody hurts me like myself


Dear Diary, 

I realised a long time ago. That I'm the problem for myself and the people whom I love. 

He broke up with me. He said he lost interest in me. He said, he's not a right person. He said he doesn't love me. 

I don't know what to believe. What's true? Breaking up doesn't mean it's only one person did wrong. Whatever. Both are responsible.

But one thing's for sure. I hurted him. Because of my anxiety. I distance myself from all the people. Coz I don't have energy and at the same time. If I talk to someone I may hurt them. That's why I don't talk to anyone. I know. He's not  "anyone". I'm sorry that I hurt him. What shall I do? I just don't want to hurt him. And at the same time, it hurts like hell when I don't talk to him. 

I'm sorry for being myself. I can't. I can't change me. My anxiety ruins every good thing that happens to me. 

You said, you loved me for myself. And you said, you don't evened loved me? Is that true? I don't want to believe that.

Please tell me it's all a lie. I'll come back to like a fool. 

It's too hard for you handle me right? I fight for little things. I'm too sensitive. I want your attention and assurance 24/7. you know something....

At the same time, I want you to be happy. I don't wanna hurt you. I want to make you happy. I want to be the reason for your happiness.. all i want one thing from you. Just make me to feel your love. 

You ended. But I've never ended anything. I act like being cool and don't care abt you. But it's all a lie. Just to make me feel less hurt. 

I've never stopped loving you idiot. 

Did you really let go of me?

After you left. I'm completely became uninterested in people. I don't wanna impress anyone. I don't wanna know abt anyone. I don't even see anyone's stories.... I still think abt you. You are the only person in my heart. 

I set you free. If you really love me. You'll come to me. Ill just wait for you as a fellow lover. Even if you don't come. I'll still wait for you with hope. Coz I can't love anyone rather than you. 💜