November 20, 2022


Dear Diary,

Okay, I'm gonna tell you about losing my best friend. For a long time, I had a couple of friends that surround me and I was a social animal. All day, I spent time hanging out with them sometimes, I needed to relax and unwind on my own even so I kept meeting up with them. But after then I had some experiences with friendships that were awful and humiliating. They loved tossing, insulting and teasing them although they value them. That's why I decided to not hang out with them. When it comes to my best, a friend I was vulnerable to hurt her if she does not approve of me but I have never noticed that. Since we cut off our friendship, she has never felt my feeling. During beating cancer, she always rooted for me, cared about me, called me every day and shed tears after losing me because I was about to die. But as time goes by, we lost our bonds. She found a boyfriend that is cute and helpful as well I love him because he's my friend too. But she started allocating time with me, and she disappeared when I got home. We just meet up with her during having dinner because we shared the same place and she graduated from university last year. I suppose we've known each other for about 8 years. But she's always shy and loves feeling alone, but sometimes it can be deceptive. I texted her during the summer and we have a common friend as well who is close to our home. We share the same neighbourhood and they can stay over whenever they want. Sometimes, I insist on her meeting up with us or listening to her about why you prefer shutting up or keeping secret. Once she told me, I have family issues and how can I cope with them. I would say as you know, I always have family issues, particularly my dad but right now I just try to embrace them. No matter what they did, he apologises to me and I had to accept it. Anyways, I said that if you wanted to take support, I can accompany you because I overcome this with psychotherapy and it never works out making my way. It's bullshit. And she has never answered and never convinced me about my suggestion. So one day, we made a disagreement about why don't hang out with us. She started crying and I had to give up cutting off our relationship and we cuddled each other. Right now, we don't talk to each other by phone or in person. Maybe she did it on purpose maybe she got bored with me. Because I have always issues. The bottom line is I had been missing her but it was totally in vain. So I feel alone. I need to find a friend who trusts me and accepts my issues. I love this quote friendship is more serious than love. But I can't deny that I'm totally alone. I've kept in touch with my classmate off and on. If they look for sth about lectures, they texted me. I was abused by them a little. And I know that let out my disappointment and dissatisfaction because I don't love living on this planet which is crowded with ruthless people. Anyway, I'm so sorry for embarrassing my issues and my cancer thing. Thank you for inspiring me that embrace myself and I have to accept myself as I am.