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Dear Diary,
Hello, It's been long since i have come from vipassana, almost a month now and you are no stranger to my memory. I have forgotten sooo many things. But as i promised to you, i'll write few things what i remember.
Before Reaching -
Before sitting in the bus in Delhi, i was feeling very nervous, alone and a little low, when jyoti messaged, i felt little better and then shikha told me to listen to my fav songs and i did that. But i was so lost that evening, i almost missed the bus, the bus was there in front of me all the while for 15 mins and i didn't see it, later when the conductor called, he shouted on me saying everyone was aboard and they were waiting for me.
The Day i arrived -
I was just waiting on the bus stop in dharmshala, as if i knew that there would be someone else too who would be going to the vipassana center. After sometime a bus came and a guy was asking a cab driver if he would go to the vipassana center. Thats how i met professor Tamogham(Tam). He was bangla, that was very apparent, i guessed it immidiately, but he would be studying mathematics and so interested to discuss about science and physics came to my surprise. Later that day we talked and he explained to me a problem in maths he is trying to solve, and he was so passionate about it. I knew, he was going to be a long time friend now.
In the morning, We walked in macledoganj, i quickly bought a hoody, i explained quantum entanglement to him and we did have chai. We also met Mukta outside the temple and we three went to the center.
Our center was beautiful, Those tall trees, the cold, the silence and the warm sun, it was tranquil.
We got our separate rooms this time. This itself was a big challenge to keep all the sheels ๐๐ But i did keep all the sheel the whole time there. As usual, it began in evening.
The next 3 days - Aana paana
Same like last time, i was getting so frustrated, infact this time i was also thinking that even the last time i did not change at all, i did the same mistakes after going, this is definitely a mistake of me to come here again, leaving my high paying job (nd what if they deducted my salary for this vacation, this vipassana is going to be very expensive). This time since day 1 itself, i started counting days, i would wake up in morning and tell myself one more day has passed. And i kept going.
Although Waking up dint feel very difficult this time, i would wake up on my own without the bells and timely go to hall. I didn't skip any sitting, but most of the time i was just thinking. Time passed
Day 4-9 - Vipassana
I'll tell you fast forwards, There were few hours, when i would be meditating with good focus, but during many of the sittings, i was not able to meditate, specially the morning ones, I was just thinking, day dreaming, i was dreaming horror things, giants, accidents, being helpless etc. But each day, i only told myself, it is ok, i have come here, now let me just try to do my best and not be worried about time or anything. And during vipassna this time i realized, that i missed an important lesson the last time, vipassana's essence was not just looking at your body but to keep samta while doing so. I forgot the samta part altogether last time.
So this time, i tried to keep the Samta.
Until 6th day, During the after lunch walk and in the hall also, most of my thoughts were just about her. My mind kept coming back to her, all the time, thinking and analyzing what happened. One day, i told myself that i dont want to think about it anymore now, this time is precious, i should probably think about some of the science problems or finding myself. So i stopped thinking. And from that day to now, i haven't thought much about he. Of-course there are other reasons too which i'll tell you ;). But one thing i kind of realized was, that i think, i wasn't even a good friend of her. All these years, Whatever she did came out of this pressure, because i did things for her, she probably just wanted to care in return for that, but from her heart, i think she never really cared about me, i wasn't even a good friend. I want her to be free and do not have this pressure and i want myself to be free too. And so i decided to be free. And sometimes, becoming free is that easy, you just have to tell yourself.
Day 10
I got my phone, but i didn't want to use it. I wanted to talk to everyone, ask everyone how were their experiences, talk to professor Tam. Also i was excited, for the trip, jyoti could be coming. I called and asked if she was coming(I also had in mind, she would surpsie me, call me and say dude i am here ๐๐). Anyway, more about it later.
I talked to everyone, some good people. Spoke with Ramesh uncle, he told me stories from Kargil war, met rithik, the guy from whom i wanted to ask which brand of jeans do you wear was actually a model and also owner of a solar panel company, the gujju bhai having the dragon fruit farm and the uncle who looked like sarita's dad was from haryana and had some good life lessons to share. Vinay, the kid was only 19 and had sooo many questions, asking everyone ๐๐. I liked vishwajeet too, in evening i called in Mukta also (well, professor gave me the idea, he is not that serious, he is infact fun ๐). He shared with me some songs.
Day 11
Moving on, the next day, we formed a group (like last time) and went around places, i even climbed halfway for the triund trek but returned. In the evening, i roamed around in maacleodganj, and we bumped into Uncle Aunty again, that's when i met Rithik and Geet(From jab we met). She was exactly like geet, well, i didnt think of her as Geet the first time, until i was talking to chaithanya about her. She keeps laughing all the time and talk with innocence of a little girl.
I was in Macleodganj for 4 more beautiful days and i want to tell you all about that as well, but in the next note. maybe tmrw. I want to tell you about Jyoti too.
I thought i'll keep in touch with everyone, but i have done a poor job at that, i could not keep in touch with everyone. I now talk to Geet, Rithik and proffesor tam sometime, but i think i am not doing a good job, i haven't called proffesor tam and uncle aunty yet. I will tmrw.
ok. Buenas Noches. ๐ ๐ค
--panda--