November 16, 2022 #363


Dear Diary, I had another therapy session today to heal my past and to live without meaningless self punishment. 

I did it by myself first by using a notebook and a pen. I was sure it worked. But I wasn’t sure if I was okay to be healed by doing so. So I needed professional’s support. Today’s session was not the first time and there’s no first time discount. I didn’t realize that :P It costed more than my payment for a day. But I think it worth it. I needed someone who listen to me without any judgment. 

I let go and I will try to love myself in the right way. 

I was afraid to tell the truth because the therapist herself was a parent too. She didn’t really mention/quote the mistake part so um but anyways, she told me that she thinks I’ve punished myself more than enough. 

Today I realized how easily my mind goes negatively. Since when I was around 11 or so. 

My mom tends to be very quiet when she is angry or sad. No conversation. I can’t ask why because I don’t want to be hurt, of course not physically but mentally. 

She is a mother who’d be very strict when it’s necessary. Then why she’s silently mad…probably at me? I always felt it towards me because I could feel she seemed especially silent to me. I don’t know the truth though. 

This keeps happening. 

She actually said like twice that she has too many things to tell me but she won’t because she knows I’ll be gone in to the negative spiral. Who would ask what are the things? Not me definitely. 

And according to my therapist, this silent mode mom📵 could have helped me with the schema development. 

Can’t ask -> Think by myself -> it’s easier to understand when the reason was ME -> I am bad

My therapist told me that I don’t have to hide my true feelings while I was taking the session. She told me that if I keep punishing my core self, my mind gets harder and harder and it tie myself too tight to live my own life. 

Idk.. I feel like.. I want to make sure if mom loves me no matter what. But I can’t ask because she’ll be sad if she knows I am not sure if she loves me no matter what. My rational self knows the answer is yes. But tbh I am not sure in my heart. Her hugs… usually it’s very loose. 

I tend to cry when I write myself that my family loves me no matter what and even when I listen to some affirmation audios for self love. 

I realized how long I have punished myself mentally. I try to fix this better. 

Oh and the psychiatrist… I made pre reservation. It’s going to be 22th December :( Anyways the reviews are way better than the doctor I used to see. He’s got 1.1 but the new one got 3.8. 

Now I think it’s time to contact the career adviser in my uni… I really wish I could see a psychiatrist before that… :( I am not sure if I am alright to be a full time worker… 

Aww.. “Holding your inner child can bring them comfort. “Rock if necessary,” says Godfrey.” This is from an article on PsychCentral. Did you just say… “rock if necessary”….!!? Eww! This sounds stupid and sad but why tears comes out from my eyes😭😭😭 stop it I just read the sentence and that’s it😭😭😭 I feel so stupid! 

Well…Inner child thingy seems so true then…