(Nov 11, 2022) Confused

Dear Diary, 

I've been listening to subliminals to I guess attract him lol I am even writing this listening to a subliminal. I'll call him KK here cuz it's his nickname. I sometimes think why I am doing all this manifestation meditation and subliminal when the future guy I have in my mind is different then why?? I wasnt able to even imagine him in the starting days but now I can easily imagine him smiling in the places and clothes I've never seen him in (not in a wrong way) I just can't imagine him talking bcuz I've never heard his voice. When we were talking He indirectly rejected me that was clear as fuck but I dont know why this small fucking thing is not going in my head. ugh.. I kind of hate him but at the same time I am not able to hate him fully. It's friday today I'll see him again on Sunday. Few months ago I got to know he will move to some other state bcuz of his job one part of me is hoping him to move there fast so I can focus on other things and one part is just confused and I am trying to ignore that part.