Hi tod (the open diaries),
It has been a whilee, and i think it's nearing the mark of 2 yrs since we met. I remember you sometimes and check the writings over here. Though, I haven't written for a looong while and my writing hasn't improved. silly me. I haven't written cuz i didn't have the need to and then somehow now, I do.
It has been somehow good. leaning on the good side. sunshine's still with his loved one. I have a teeny tiny interest on this guy my aunt h kinda raised who is like 3 or 4 or 5 years older than me. He's kind and giving and family oriented and loves kids maybe much more than i do and he can provide for them and buy them stuff and also the people on our compound. he's gone for a while and i heard he will be back next year, but i don't know. i had random cries for 2 days after he went away. not sure but i think he stayed about 5 or 6 months here ? idk. what ik is that, where he went, is where his ex is? idk. i think he is also actively looking for a partner, maybe.
stuff i don't particularly like but is outweighed by the good 'uns is that he interacts with me shallowly and not really making a connection. (which is maybe a good thing to do, not attaching too much cuz attachment brings forth some suffering) i like it when he just enters our (mine, my mom's and sister's) room so freely with no inhibitions, i'm not like so. (when he enters, it almost always isn't a private room moment so it's fine). he's clean and cares about his hygiene, he does manly work and really gives off a male vibe but not in a dominating vibe. he's soft and polite. i like those. not the rowdy side of him though with his friends and other adults. i'm not like so as well. he is open about sexual stuff like, he has no inhibitions about it much. freely blurting out stuff relating to those.
i'm neutral to his conspiracy theory interests, i like hearing about them actually even though i don't really understand. one example is his long-term obsession about the flatness of the world even though he has travelled through seas and just ramble about it and also deviating stories 'bout bible stories. he's quite an interesting one. also, i don't sense his presence much. he's like standing at my back and i won't notice. maybe he's light on his feet. he's also someone i don't feel worthy of. but if he would deem me worthy, i wouldn't really mind and just accept ya know. he's a good guy, a great guy. he sometimes makes mistakes like humans do, of course. xD which just makes him human but somehow in my mind it says it doesn't suit him but, then i remind myself he's human and so am i and i even make lots more mistake than he does. i think he holds more pride (being proud of himself and his accomplishments and just his overall being) than i do. his presence is a treat and not as intense as sunshine's. but yea, i think he'll just be added to the list of men i liked but with no relations to. he makes us laugh at times too. when i was in my grieving stage, i wrote that *we're under the same sky* and my point there is that, i'm glad to be living under the same sky as that kind of person. very nourishing. i like his cooking too. sometimes we had better meals cause he was there. mostly happened when he just arrived then happened in intervals afterward.
...
still in 2nd yr college, a repeaterr. i like it though. the next semester would be tough then the next academic yr would be tougher, more subjects? idk if i can handle that by then rn. my head hurts most times still. undernourished. life still has a way of doing things not that beneficial to us but yea. oh i got a hold of a latin term amor fati and i'm likin it. it's like my way of life rn and i just keep it in mind most times
All for today