November 02, 2022 #344
Dear Diary, I’ve always been interested in reading other’s diaries. And it was impossible when I had no connection to the internet.
…But I really loved reading literatures in diary form back then.
…also one of my fav YouTube content is reading old diaries bought from eBay.
Anyways, I searched for other online diaries last night.
Wooo there was a good website to read. Then I found a person who is keeping their diary since before my high school graduation year. This person must be younger than my little sister but older than my youngest cousin. Oh my…how their writing Wolof so professional … Me? Well mine is literally a rumble and doesn’t mean to be read. I just want to publish my entries to say I am here. But that person’s diaries are like essay writing. And oh wow they were like “people writing here are too depressed” but at the same time, they sounded like a depressed kid as they describe themselve. And a very matured kid. How was I back then…? I was living happily with my wrinkle-less brain. Hmm I say my depressed brain doesn’t even work like my teen age brain 🧠🦤😅
Oh and now I can think like this world sucks. Or…life is okay but we expect it to be great and happy.
Last night my parents announced we were going to visit my grandma’s grave. I am not comfortable with these sudden scheduling when I am in anxious mood. But they often do this. I couldn’t let myself sleep last night and I begged my mom not to leave me alone because I was feeling that bad. I believed that I could not go away from home like 6h but neither stay at home all alone 6h.
It was a long day. I went there. I feel relieved that I could visit her. Why should I cry like a little child sometimes like that. I don’t have any idea how I managed to graduate from university. I hope this is officially one of aspects of my depression.
I felt so relieved that I was able to visit grandma’s grave. I usually skip this kind of family event thinking “I should be stay home because it wasn’t in my plan.” And I know this makes me feel guilty about this selfishness. And being alone/lonely makes me think about a lot of negative things. Basically I knew I should go with my family. And I did when mom was back. I don’t know why she did that. But I really appreciate it. I could spend good time with my family and also proved myself that I can leave my home even when I feel really anxious.
invisible progress is also a kind of progress. Not making progress is also acceptable fact.
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