I’ll ruin me

They want me to start identifying when I ge my lows and highs, well here’s one of them.

I for sure get very happy fantasizing about cutting with someone else and drinking and just doing reckless and careless things, basically I get happy when I picture myself being free and not caring anymore, that’s when I’m at my happiest :)

But I also get a low when I think of not cutting when I don’t see a fucked up future. 

I don’t understand why but the thought of ruining myself sounds like something amazingly erotic, emotional and happy and just sounds so liberating!!!!

For example one of my fantasies is getting close with someone who cuts and just doing reckless things together and having highs and lows together and just loosing our shit together. I want this fantasy to come true so bad because i feel alone, i feel like no one understands my euphoric state, they are happy that I’m happy but they don’t wanna stop giving a fuck with me or just ever! They are too scared to be free and I want someone who will be free with me!

I wanna be free and I won’t be free until I fulfill my fantasies.