Cycle

I don’t think I deserve to be healthy or happy. For maybe like 3 years I’ve seen myself in bad place. I don’t think I’ll ever have a good happy life, I see me in this negative cycle till I die, like I get into this soul sucking depression and somehow I make it out and I get better stay like that for a while only to then ruin by relapsing and getting worse. And I do not know why but the thought of getting better just makes me anxious like I don’t really have an urge to do so? But at the same time I don’t wanna loose myself completely to the point where I become suicidal so I guess the reason why I still open up is because I don’t wanna go all the way down I wanna get bad and be sad for a bit but then be happy but I don’t want to get to the point where I try to kill myself, so that’s why I’m getting help cause I don’t wanna die.