Dear Diary, i haven’t been here in a while because i’ve been feeling good recently. things have been really good, but for the first time in a while i need to vent to an open void. i’m pissed, and i’m filled to the brim with bitterness. my brother has been drinking a lot, nightly, and i thought if i told him to calm down and it made me uncomfortable than maybe he would slow down but it hasn’t. a problem i often have that is purely ego: i think that if i word all my thoughts very meticulously than everything will go how i want it to. it’s naive and often leads to disappointment, but this is far more than hurt feelings and tears. he is heading down the same path of our dad in a speeding car, our father who completely obliterated the two of us, plus mom, mentally and physically for the first 10-15 years of our lives. almost all of our misery stemmed from him and his addict behavior. i will not treat my brother as if this is okay, i won’t tip toe around my disgust any longer. i’ve worded each of my thoughts very delicately, i did so because i know at his core, just like me, he is very sensitive to criticism. so i made sure he knows i love him, and that we’re equals, and he bullshitted me and told me what i wanted to hear and turned around just to start drinking again. addict behavior.
my entire childhood i hung off every promise that alcoholic, abusive scum made. every lie he told me i believed, every single time i believed in him i was hurt. i refuse to go through the same process again. i have no room in my life, nor my heart, for such disgusting behavior. i will not open my heart up to an addict. i am here now, i have expressed my love for my brother, i have expressed my concern, i have offered my support, that’s all i can do. i know if our relationship is destroyed because of this than i will never allow him back into my heart again. i understand addicts are people too, they’re people who are hurting, they’re people who need support, but i am not the person for that. me and my brother both have attachment issues but we’re polar opposites in that regard, he clings to people that make him miserable like his life depends on it, and i will abandon every person around me without a word if their behavior becomes too much for me. my siblings are the most important people in the world to me, my love for them is incomparable to anyone or anything else, but they are not exempt from that fact. granted, it takes a lot more for me to abandon a sibling like that than an acquaintance, but alcoholism is one of those things i will not tolerate.
facing this reality, i’m upset, i’m hurt, i’m angry. every emotion under the negative feeling umbrella is inside me right now. i don’t like feeling as though i’m losing him, but if this is reality then i’m not so diluted to turn away from it. the future of our relationship rides on the next few weeks or even months, it scares me what may happen…