Small trigger warning to everyone reading this. It contains my experience with rape.
Dear Diary, since I was small I never was able to write a Diary to write down my thoughts. Many of them have been broken into by my sister to read to her friends, so I never put angthing important in there.
Now .... I do not care if people see this, but I just wanna spill out my heart and alle the bad things that happened back then.W;hen I was little, by my own brother, I still remember it to this day, was raped. It only happened once he didn't do it fully, but it was still enough to stay in my head. as a teeny wheeny child I didn't know what happend then. I thought my brother just wanted to play a little, I mean, he was my Brother, my older Brother. It happened some other times too, but there was only touching. When I grew up I forgot about it all, thought it was all just a dream made up by my horny teenage mind. But it wasn't. One day it happened some time after christmas. About 3years ago I think it was. He tried it again. He was drunk, not violent, he never was. But the way he took me to his room, I thought he only wanted my help with something. Inside he turned off the light and softly began to touch me. I felt repulsed. I asked him if he really is doing what I think he was doing. He kept silent. Kissing my neck. Moving his hand softly downwards and moving his fingers. I stopped him, thank god. And left the room. I couldn't sleep that night. My little sister slept in the bed just next to mine.
Layibg on the bed I still felt his hand touching me down there. It was tingling. I think what I did after that was not sonething I should have done. I masturbated to it. Crying while doing so. Just hoping to get the itchy feeling away.
A month later I told my older sister about it. As my mother screamed at my brother for alcohol abuse and for losibg his money on the machine.
She told my mom. I've never felt so exposed in my life.
I only told then about that night, nothing more.
A week later I remembered that time when I was younger, where he tried doing it.
With my stupid hopeful mind I went to my mother and told her about it. She laughed.. She fucjing laughed at it. Saying I'm just trying to create something that isn't there.
2 years after that I though to tell my friend about it, my best friend. We were having a deep talk, it was only about her and her problems and I thought that I could maybe at least once share one of mine, where someone would feels sad for me, at least give me some pity.... She completely ignored it, she continued about her own sob stories. I stopped telling her about myself
After some time my older sister said sonething strange, when we got back to the talk about what happened. She said that maybe that is the reason why she sometimes wakes up with a sore throat and a hurting back... Since then I stopped telling my Family something about myself
A Family friend.. We talked about my older sisters irresponsible way of handling the money my mother gives her for her tuition. Spending it on alcohol etc. Whilr my mother didn't want to pay for my tuition.. There I opened myself about it to him. Again, it was completely ignored.
My Diary, now tell me, why? Why is everyone like this. Noone tries to console me. Noone blames him for his wrong doings.
Is it me? Am I the problem?Did I do something that urges people to ignore my hurt, my suffering?
I continued to live with him under the same roof till 4 months ago. He finally left the home.
Maybe now I can try to heal. Maybe I will find someone I could tell all my problems to that does not just ignore it and continue on.
My Dear Diary, I hope I didn't bore you, crying and telling about myself.
Maybe noone will ever let me speak out my hurt, but maybe you will accept it.
Thanks. For listening to my hurt, my pain, the one and only time where I scream about this pain of mine to the world.
I wanted someone to listend and to understand... my hurt.A