August 19, 2022 #251

 

Dear Diary, yesterday I signed up for a yearly membership for a hot yoga class. I have no idea how will be my life like a year later. To me, it’s expensive because I have no idea what is going to happen to me. I might have completely no job or I might have managed to have a full time job and too busy and tired for yoga class. 

What am I doing. I even have no idea who am I tbh. What makes me feel happy? I would answer like to make things or something a year ago. But is this really? I don’t do art now. I like to be in the nature, I would answer like this if this is a year ago. But I feel like these things are just self branding thing. Yep even in a private life. I indeed visited more art exhibitions than my friends do. But I have never feel I am truly enjoying the moments. Yeah it’s fun for me. But I just not sure if it is from internal thing or external thing. 


Living life as a non binary person for me is building up external self…since when I was really small. My mom told me I like to do paper craft since before kindergarten so she put me in kindergarten which has craft time a lot. She put me in a local craft club too. So making things seems like my core thing. 


Last spring I realized I have very well built external self and decided it is no good for me to live my own life. So I tried to cut it out. But that adhesion is very bad and now I can not tell what am I. 


Oh yeah identity crisis that’s it. 

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