Dear Diary,
I woke up at 8am, planned to go to the gym, missed it because I messed around too much. So I just stayed on PC instead. My packages arrived. I played dress up a little bit with myself, thinking I would look good with this partially look. I like the retro dirt bike helmet, I wonder if I can be courage enough to pull this off. I might be able to do it once, like how I did things I had been initially scared of before, but this is possibly a daily thing, can I do it? I'm not a hipster, but taste overlaps, I don't have the stylishness and the irony energy to carry me through. I fantasised about how different I would look on my motorcycle.
I'm at work (as of writing this, I need some change for my motorcycle toys), it's part time and I'm finding ways to spend my time. A sudden sense of dread hit me, the angst, the fear of growing up, of being adult, whatever that is, just because the book the catcher in the rye was mentioned randomly. I don't want to have to be an adult, I'm 19 already. I'm using music to partially block the thoughts, sweet synth rhythms smooth out static of consciousness. But I am an adult, I'm too far gone, I've been pushed down the cliff, yet I don't feel grown up. Do I want to remain a child, careless and innocent (funny cuz in retrospective that would be like 10 years ago), or do I just don't want to mature. I am not mature, I am not another Peter Pan, I don't hate reality, I live in reality, but I despise what it is for me.
I dug back through my (recent) memories, I found emotional turmoil that I would rather not face again. How I hate coming of age, or how I hate something? Something I can direct my antagonism at.
I had a crush, or have(?), a limerence of sort. my hormone-filled mind swatted it away as irrational, a byproduct of hormones ( you can never really separate the hormones from the mind, can't you, it can try to be rational like how it's above brain chemicals, ultimately achieving nothing and hurts itself), funny how I thought like that back there. I know that the crush has been addressed in my mind, I wanted to act upon it. I didn't, couldn't, I froze. I was scared, I am scared still. Passing by her by chance some time ago, the FEEL acted up again, I still wonder if I could just text her and say it, like how I texted my 9th grade crush, in the summer of 10th grade, after we had not seen each other for a full year. She was accepting of it, and I just wanted to get it off my chest, and I got it off my chest. I moved on. Is the exact situation going to play out once again. That's what I'm afraid of, I want to date her, want to know how it feels. I have this possibly idolised image of her in my head, I tried to find evidence to convince myself that she is not what I think, I succeeded, and failed. I still want to be in love with her. If I don't say it, it will be hard for me to ever really move on, but it's been too long, the time is not appropriate anymore, we may just be old friends by now. Eventually I'll have to find one way or another tell her, it is very close to too late, if it gets to that point then the chance has been lost and I will be the 15 years old boy all over again. But as of now, I am still chained by the same mental hurdles that have kept me from doing what I have wanted to for the past 3 year.
Loss, I have tried to confront this in my head a million times, for the inevitable loss of those I hold dear. I feel like I won't be able to keep it to my own, to anticipate grief as well as I imagined I could. I feel like emotions can't be kept in check, that I can only deceive myself.