Dear Diary, i love to tell myself all the time that i ain’t shit. my mantra to myself is how useless i am and how little i matter, but as soon as someone else makes me feel that way it feels wrong?
i keep this mantra to keep myself sane. i keep it so i can comfort myself when thinking about the people who don’t care for me. i make sure that every time i get too comfortable with a person that i know i don’t really mean that much to them, so how come it still feels bad when that idea is reaffirmed by the outside world? what is even the point of telling myself these toxic things if they don’t do what i intended for them to do?
i’m obliterating my self esteem with these words, and no matter what people say that contradict those idea’s, it doesn’t mean anything.
ann says positive things to me all the time and i can’t help but want to laugh in her face. i don’t trust people who shower me in positive words. i believe good people exist, but i don’t believe i should be a part of their lives. maybe that’s why things are the way they are…
i want to go on this self loathing rant about how awful and disgusting i am inside, but it’s not even worth it. no one wants to hear my self pitying bullshit.