Dear Diary,
I've tried love, I try to tell you everything about me but there really just isn't much to tell. "You've talked to most or have seen live conversations with them, which is undoubtedly more than I have ever received." Babe I'm trying, I sent you real time screenshots of my conversations with a friend. Jas is the closest thing I had to a friend as the time, she was the only person I talked to besides you. The girl you mention as "this friend" was grounded, you say "strangely disappeared" but I told you she got grounded for months. She got caught having sex by her mom if you must know and she lost everything for 4 months. I don't know why I didn't tell you before, I guess I just didn't consider her a friend. At the time I was feeling lonely, in search of friends so I started spending time on the text version of omegal and I set the subject to "roblox" so I'd only meet people that also searched that. All we did was text for a minute every couple days, sometimes about our day or things either of us were going through and related on. I don't even know her name, or what to call her, "this friend" fits her perfectly because she really is just some person I met online a couple months ago. She didn't stop talking for months she was GONE for months from everything. So if you have suspicions then speak up, theres nothing I'm lying about on that.
You keep saying time and time again "your friends from before, i never got to hear a single peep from them" but I DONT HAVE ANY, I NEVER did. I DONT have friends. I didn't before you either. I'm literally the biggest loner on the planet. I went to the doctor last year and he asked me to mention 3 friends and I had nothin, I just hesitated for a good 10 seconds and said random names I knew of people that existed in my last school. I literally just don't have any friends van, I keep trying to get that across when you talk about not feeling included in my life. There are no conversations to read, theres nothing to watch live for me. You did talk to 🛑 when we were friends. You did several times, not about much but I know the conversations happened because I overlooked them, I saw you guys talking about me, and joking about me. And yes I did block you from speaking to her shortly after because I didn't wanna risk losing our friendship. I told you the consequences of what you wanted to do and you were so okay with just sacraficing our relationship just to say shit to her. That hurt, regardless of your intentions it sucked to hear, and I didn't wanna have to deal with that. I didn't want that damage done to US, I was worried about me and you because you were really all I had. Sure I had some slut that was using me but you were who I leaned on, who i talked to more than anybody, YOU were my bestfriend who was always there for me when I needed someone.
I'm trying to let you in on every single aspect of my life, literally the only thing off limits is my family because neither of us are ready for that. We each have our reasons to keep our family out of our relationship and I think its reasonable to agree on that.
Other than family you have access to everything, I tried to give you the things you gave me but you said you're too scared to read my conversations, I had one friend and I introduced and invited you to play with them. Now this person comes back after 4 months of grounding and I told you about her as soon as I thought of it and occasionally show you what we talking about. You're asking for things I'm willing and already giving but at the same time you don't want them either and I don't know what to do. You say that you're giving more than me sooo I give what you are giving me but you turn it down and now tell me you don't want a single part of this "private life" that I don't even have. " My whole relationship i’ve constantly heard “I have no friends.”. So what changed? I’m curious." Nothing changed, I didn't have friends then and I don't now. It was one person I talked to a couple times a week, she was gone for 4 months, shes back and again we talk a couple times a week.
"I still know nothing but her disocrd user" Well van if you hadn't noticed i'm TRYING to inform you about her, send LITERAL screenshots of the conversation. I'm literally doing what you say I'm not, I can't tell you a thing about her, I literally don't know anything about her except that she cuts, shes bi, and I think shes 14 or 15. Thats literally all the information I know of her. "I've only seen effort in you showing me Jas" and that is because around that time me and Jas reignited that friendship, we hadn't had a normal conversation in months till that time period. Jas was the ONLY friend I had which is why that was the only person you saw that effort in.
If being petty is what you want to do then go ahead, I already told you I don't read your conversations anymore, I only know about a couple of your friends, the rest are just people I've seen once or twice. If you want to have a secret friend and tease me about what you're talking about, that in itself isn't going to bother me, I don't read them anyways. It'd only bother me that you want me to hurt.
I have shown interest in your friends, maybe I didn't like them but I tried. I tried with Anh, I sortve tried with vv but I knew early on he liked you so it was never gonna happen, with Ethan I have chatted with him, we related on things, talked about relationship hardships, and I told you to tell him to talk to me if he'd like to with his current situation. I've played many many times with all of your friends despite how annoying and intolerable some of them can be because I'd do anything for you. I play with you and your friends because thats how I can be there and spend time with you without taking you away from them.
Fade and Jas were the only people in my life, Fade not even a friend and Jas was barely until we started playing again. These are the only two that have been around for a while and thats why you know of them, they're all I got.
Maybe it sounds harsh, or maybe it'll be reassuring depending on how you take it... but this is all in your head, maybe from just being super emotional, or because of insecurity issues, orrr it could just be how irregular of a person I am to have literally just nobody in my life which makes it seem like im not giving you everything because who really is this lonely.
Theres nothing I don't tell you, if you ask I'd tell you anything as well. I don't lie to you, I tell no white lies, I bring up everything I can about whats going on and I'm transparent with everything despite the risk of hurt feelings, arguments, etc...
You are everything to me, I do my best to please you, and although it might now seem like you aren't in on my life this really just is all there is to it.
In conclusion:
You know everything about me, you know of the people around me. You have talked to most or have seen live conversations with them which is the same that you have given to me. If you ever want to know anything, are feeling unsure or insecure, having a bad gut feelin about something then ask, I'll tell you anything you wanna know while doing my best to tell you everything I can think of so you don't have to ask because i know thats what you are wanting from me.