June 25, 2022

Dear Diary,

I'm not the best for her or even relatively good. There are so many other guys she could meet in life that would be better for her than I am and could make her happier than I do. 

Yes she loves me but theres no much about she that she wishes wasn't part of me and even though she didn't say it, I know its true. Every single day through real time observation of people and seeing people on social media I think about how she'd probably like them a lot more than me if she met them first. I'm not out going, I don't enjoy change, I'm chilled, reserved and she doesn't like that about me. Maybe she doesn't hate it but she'd love to see me do things that I just wouldn't naturally do and I hate that I can't be that for her. I can't be super social, or dance, or be hyper and send her fun videos of me doing silly things. That just isn't who I am and I feel so fucking guilty for not being able to be that for her. 

Just like everyone else she calls me emotionless and its a stab to the heart every time someone says it, especially her. I just don't know what to do.

If I fake it then its wrong but if I just be me then she isn't happy with who she's dating. 

We often play games together online. Valorant is the most common choice and we sometimes talk in voicechat, I've been trying to start talking more in vc because I know she wants me to but for the most part the game is pretty quiet because I just don't have anything to say while i'm playing. Sometimes we call while she's playing with someone else or she sends me a cliip of a game highlight and I just hear how much fun she's having with that person or several people and I just wish I could do that. I can't entertain, I can't be extroverted and funny like they are, like the way she probably wishes I was like.

As more time passes I start to worry that I'm not the one for her because of who I am. I love her to death, she's beautiful, very caring, kind, fun, and shares a lot of the same interests as me. The issue I'm seeing is that she loves me but introverts don't seem to be her type. I'm not an out going, positive, or generally fun person, and even though she said she didn't mind when I expressed how I felt about it, its just hard to believe her when I clearly see disappointment when I don't live up to her expectations.

If I asked her what made me special from everybody else, if I asked why i was different and why she chose me, chances are she'd probably mention the samething she has before which was that I've always been by her side and all that stuff but that the thing is she had and still has friends that have done that for her. Vivee is one of her friends that has liked her, he was always there for her too so that difference is the same one he had too. Other people can be there for her so I don't know why she makes a big deal out of it like I'm the only and thats why she chose me.