June 19, 2022

 

Dear Diary, not feeling good. I just came back from watching a play that Belle performed in. It was about the Brexit and pretty alright, it's Drama didnt quite grip me. But Belle did a good job. She also invited another guy. I already knew him from another time she invited him along. He is also quite nerdy and reminds me a bit of myself when I was more insecure. I was always way smarter than him though. He said he didnt care about the Brexit when it happened or afterwards. I think every european should care about it. He doesnt have to of course, but I dont like this uncaring attitude when it comes to politics that affect all of us. Maybe I'm being to harsh cause I'm in a bad mood. Afterwards Belle wanted to go somewhere to drink. At first she suggested an Irish Pub we were at before. I thought that was a good idea, but then she changed her mind and we went to one of the "party streets" of the city. Very crowded, lots of drunk people exactly the kind of place I dont enjoy much. They ate some pizza and afterwards we strolled through the crowded street. They thought about going to a Karaoke bar, but after we went inside even Belle couldnt stand the atmosphere inside. It's super hot too right now. At that point I just didnt want to be there anymore. So I said goodbye to them and went to my train. I'm not disillusioned because of the other guy friend she has or anything, even if I was surprised that she discussed her mental illness stuff with him. I just dont want to stuff anymore that I dont like, even if its with a girl. It is obviously not leading to anything and I wasnt enjoying the occasion itself. Going for a quiet drink would have been nice, but not this.


The real reason I'm in a bad mood is because Spike added her Instagram to her letterboxd. And on her Instagram there is one photo where she is with a group of friends and she is holding the arm of a guy. So its safe to assume thats her boyfriend. Its only half a year old too. I knew this was likely all along, but the last few weeks I had my usual daydreams about her. She just seemed more friendly to me, starting conversations on her own. It's the usual trap of assuming girls like you when they are friendly to you. It's so extremely hard not to at least get your hopes up a little when they do that. I even considered writing her today. Because there is a movie for the anime series Mononoke coming next year. It was announced today and I'm pretty excited about it. I posted the PV in the group Knight made for the Japanese film festival. But Spike wasnt in that group since she didnt go with us. But instead of writing her directly, I posted about it in the forum of the Ghibli tutorium. She will see it there too, but it wont be so direct. Not that it matters at this point. My dream of being the nerdy boyfriend who watches anime with his girlfriend is completely buried at this point. I just hate being a man so much. We are cursed to hurt others for the chance of making ourselves feel better. We are supposed to insert ourselves in other peoples provacy no matter if we or them are comfortable with it. We have to set ourselves up for disapointment time and time again. And all that without a single true sign of kindness from the other side.


I'm also worrying about my hair a lot right now. Because I think it looks bad cause of the bad widows peak I developed. But if I go to the Barber it will probably look even worse. All I ever had in my live was haircuts with bangs, but apparently those will look bad. But I would hate my hairline being on full display even more. I have no idea what I'm supposed to say to the barber 😥😥😥 And this means that I'm getting uglier and uglier and will never recieve another compliment in my life.


The whole situation is just so hopeless. I just want to be in some dark place or deep hole where everybody leaves me alone. If girls dont like me there is not much point in interacting with anybody. The dream is pretty much dead. They dont need me so I should stop needing them. Just some anime, videogames, a good bed and decent food. And solitude of course.


Playing the Danganronpa games right now. They are fun. I like the theme of despair.


On monday the japanese course will go eat together. I was looking forward to it, but now with my new Spike knowledge I dont care anymore. At least I dont have to worry about her finding me ugly. Should I even contonue the japanese course at this point. Without hope everything loses meaning.


I wish you all more luck than me



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