Dear Diary,
Why call it night, and not a loudspeaker of thoughts??
Hii, treated Sunday as Sunday, I played songs on television, then watched a movie "Jayesh bhai Jordaar", I like these kind of movies mostly which are usually very simple but at the same time meaningful for the society and containing humour and little romance. I like simple things only. I danced, sang songs enjoyed my own company.
I missed my workout today as I thought that I will go to so called Marine drive today but I didn't went there and missed my workout too. Later in the evening Shikhar called around 8 o'clock and ofcourse his 1 am, I realised he is little sad although I don't remember anytime he would have called me when he wasn't okay, I guessed it right his family is putting pressure on him for marriage, to meet or talk to some girl of their choice, and he had an argument with them then I realised this too that what if he doesn't show things but it's difficult for him too to let me go or move on from the thing we had, although he had said in past that we should distance ourselves etc and yes we have done that to 80-90% from earlier times but he is somewhere stuck for me that's why mera itte baar goodbye bolne k baad bhi he never left my side.
I am feeling guilty now, that day when he said that we need to stop things and he also said it many times that if I find someone good I should try there, so to overcome my feelings I started talking a little bit to someone else but yaa it's true that mujhe ye banda samjh nai aa ra hai.
I feel guilty that somewhere I am not letting him go, I am the reason that he can't move on from me, today I also said him that he should ask for sometime from his parents or go talk to the girl your family wants you to.
Obviously it hurts from inside but what to do, if was living in India I would have fight for him, I would have convinced his family at any extent but there is a big difference in our financial status and his family is still in that being a boy's family wala ego zone and for this reason there will be clashes, so I have accepted things and that's why these days it is hurting less and I feel that I betrayed him by talking to someone else for marriage and all when he is still not initiated a conversation with anyone.
Yesterday while talking to him I felt that kind of emotions from him which we had in initial days.
Yesterday I told him that I find peace with him and he is just perfect for me, like in terms of everything, like I always craved for emotional availability and all and he is just a full package of everything.
He has really set the bar high, I may not compare anyone else who will come in my life with him but it is the fact that he has really set the bar high in every terms be it satisfying me, giving me time or attention, being emotionally available or anything.
I will explain him things and will try to know what's going on inside him, today to sleep he listened to yog nidra. I will let him go this time with open heart.
Good night here
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