Self reflection

Dear Diary,

Recently I feel like some part of me is dead or dying. No matter how much i struggle to bring it back to life it does not work. It makes me question whether it was alive in the first place.

The question of 'who am I?' , has been plaguing me. Is this me? Is this what I want to do? Is this all I am capable of? Am I just this? 

No, I am not just this?

Them who am I?

What do I want?

Will this make me happy? Am I okay with just living like this?

Usually I have a feeling of wanting to do something. I want to write. I want to eat this. I want to try this. I want to see the rain. I want to learn a language.

But recently this feeling of want has disappeared. Initially I thought it was became of exam stress but even after the exams are over I can't seem to get back the feeling of wanting to do something.

I originally thought I was someone who was always on the move. I wanted to live doing everything I want. It doesn't matter if it is good or bad but I wanted to try everything. I thought that was me. That was how I wanted to live my life.

Maybe this disappearing feeling is a result of me coming to terms with life. That there is no way things could go the way I want. Maybe am just being pessimistic. Or maybe I am depressed? 

Well maybe that was never me. The me right now is the true me. The self before was just a phase. The original me has always been the same old boring me.

But contrary to what I think I want to believe that that curiousity, that desire was, no is a part of me that makes me. And I don't want to give up on it. Maybe it is just sleeping right now after I get rid of all these stress maybe it will come back.

Actually I think I must just go and see a psychologist. That will save me a lot of trouble.