Dear Diary,
To have or not to have kids something that has come up in my relationship pretty frequently considering how long we've been together. In December to January we started becoming more than just friends, was offically dating in Febuary and since then to now we've talked about it several times. Its an important topic of course because its a big life decision for couples and can sometimes even determine whether they stay together or not because obviously you don't want to drag your significant other through a life they'll never be satisfied with. What I've been asking myself over these months is "Do I want kids and if I don't, am I willing to change my mind over time?".
As a single person I never had reason to want kids, I personally don't like them, they smell, they scream, break things, get into things, cry about everything, etc... however at the same time I do see the joy they can bring to some people. Some find them cute, wanna spoil them, have fun with them, and you know the rest. Despite my intolerance to them I've been more or less neutral on the idea of having them because like I said I just never had a legitmate reason to want them. Having a significant other changes that but with conditions.
Yes... I have conditions to having kids with someone which I imagine can't be that uncommon because everybody has their own idea of names, rules, ways to raise them, etc... and before I say what they are I'll say why I have them.
Parents often feel that because they brought someone into the world they can decide everything for them despite what the child does or doesn't want which simply isn't fair. A child never asked to be born, they never got to decide to come into this world, what type of parents they'd have or where they'd grow up so to have this mentality that they have to "earn" privileges or "prove" they can be trusted simply isn't fair to them at all. As they grow older these things should simply be granted to them as a human right and only taken if necessary for legitimate reasons. Obviously as learning parent that is working and supporting you can't always make big sacrafices for the sake of doing what the child prefers such as the school, sports, and financially costly things that they might want but you can make them content in most other ways.
All this being said...
I was born into a life where I had no choice, whatever they said went, and the reason behind it when I asked why "because I said so". The amount of times my parents have said straight to my face "I don't care what you want" are countless. Nothing we said mattered and nothing we wanted was granted unless they agreed it made sense. Not that my whole life was miserable because thankfully my father showed an interest in modern video games, new technology, and because that was what "fun" was as the years went on me and my siblings got to have some fun ourselves on his gaming console. My mother knew we played on his PS3 and didn't bother us about it as long as the game didn't include shooting, blood, etc... however she blamed us for everything she could and "games" became the new reason for our failure to live up to whatever her standards were so even Minecraft became an evil game that she forebid us to play.
Religion, I was forced into itq. I didn't mind so much at an elementary age because I was just a kid but as time went on it became more and more of a bother to me. I've lived with several different family members and all of them had this need to go to church every single Sunday morning like their life depended on it. I figured once my mom stopped doing drugs in 2012-2013 and could afford us our own place away from my grandma we'd stop going because my mom wasn't too fond of it. My mom was never into the whole church thing as far as I knew but she did make me go with my grandma anyways. Once we moved out though my moms mom showed her a church she thought my mom would like and unfortunately she did like it. Every Sunday 3rd grade year up to 8th-9th grade she made us go anddd like I said I didn't mind so much in my elementary years but once 6th grade started something clicked and I just completely didn't want to go anymore.
Sports is something I wanted to do when I was very young too, hell even school was because I was simply bored and oblivious to how much everything sucked, especially the people in it. I played a few seasons of soccer and then stopped because I didn't like the coach but she tried to force me back into it some years later but thankfully they didn't have enough people to start a new season and then a few years later I did cross-country which is essentially track but on trails and I didn't want to do that either but my mom made me. I hurt my ankle though which gave me an excuse to stop going. I hated it so much that on trails I used to decent sized sticks and scrape my ankles up to plan to make it look like I hurt myself running and couldn't run anymore. The only upside to this sport was that it was getting easier to run which is obviously expected. The more you do something the better you get but I didn't want to do it in the first place, the progress I was making isn't what I wanted so I didn't care, and I never participated in the races because I didn't want to do the sport.
These major things made big impacts on my life in negative ways and the most damage was done to my relationships with my mom. She controlled my hobbies, my religion, and forced me into sports. I resented her for these things regardless of her reasons. It wasn't what I wanted to do and she never cared when I expressed how I felt. I know how it feels to have dictating parents and If I have kids they will not be raised the same way I was. They will have the freedoms and generousity I never had.
Van (my girlfriend) and I grew up essentially in the most opposite way possible. I'm born in the U.S, she wasn't, her family is wealthy but mine is poor, she's hindu but I was raised into christianity, I grew up in the country but she's city, school was always important to her but its not to me because our different paths in life. There are so many differences between us which makes me worry about compromising on things when it comes to raising children.
She's hindu and wants to involve our children into that culture and I'm not sure I agree on it. She wants me to respect her culture if we're going to be together and I have no problem with that. She's Indian, and Hindu so shes accustom to those traditions and cultures and that's perfectly fine but already planning to put our kids into that isn't fair to me. She wants them in it but what if I don't? The child learning about their parents cultures and being interested in it is one thing but to put our kids into that culture indoctrinating them into it before they've ever had the unbiased choice. I asked her "what if they don't want to" then she said "we'd talk to them about it and I'll bribe them if they still say no" and that just isn't comfortable with me. I don't know if thats a normal thought when considering children but it is what it is to me.
I love her and obviously want to give her children if that will make her life fuller but if we can't compromise on things like that then I'm not so sure. Its not that I'm against Hinduism but I simply don't believe in it and if I don't believe in something I wouldn't want that for my kids either. I don't know if thats selfish or something but thats just how I feel and a determining factor in my decision.